My Life'z Work

A New Beginning!

2012-01-31T22:56:00.000-08:00

Guess who is getting married? Me, Ami. Moi!!

with who? The guy I know for eternity... Ok 4 yrs+ (which is virtually eternity today!) and this post is not about how we met, in case you plan on scrolling downwards. Its about out website, which is also an invite to the D-day. I havent shared it yet on any social networking site ir with friends. It seemed appropriate to share it first with people here :)

Please have a look and consider this a personal invite! The site is in no way complete but we shall be updating it as we go along.

Our Wedding Website

Love,
Adi

Guilty Pleasures

2012-01-31T22:18:00.000-08:00

Hello again! One more entry to Flashfiction follows. The original post is here. Please visit the link for details.

My entry:

OFF LIMITS. Authorized Personnel Only.’ It read.

Leila drew a deep breath and pushed the curtains aside. ‘You’ve come this far, so might as well…’ she thought. She smoothed her skirt, not wanting to think ahead. Then, she walked on, swiftly turning her back as she heard footsteps in the hall. Quietly turning to make sure the coast was clear, she then quickly found the door and pushed it open. There they were.

She grabbed a plastic cup and joined them. The TV was on; on one side some women were giving each other manicures. But it was this table she wanted to sit at. It was their one night when they forgot about the measly pay or the grouchy bosses. Or in her case, the perpetually drunk boyfriend of 8 years who liked to hit her a little too often. The head cook, Roma, knew she might fall into more than just a little trouble with this set-up. But Roma knew what it meant to the women.

‘Was this punch spiked? Oh, what the hell!’ Leila chuckled, for all we know, the bosses could be at wits end and looking for them. Soon someone would notice the women secretaries, clerks, all disappearing for breaks at the same time for an hour. But till then, this was their haven. And this table, her guilty pleasure - the Wednesday night poker table. Who said it was a men’s game, again?

Impatient

2011-05-18T06:57:00.000-07:00

Hey All.

Impatient to write after more than a year, I posted a new entry to the FlashFiction challenge site ( read it here). If you wish to know more about the challenge, visit the link, or read my previous posts.

Here's my entry:

I could see their lives unfolding in front of my eyes - just moments ago, so perfect. And now, it was like the whole world had come crashing.

Beth was perfect. I had come to like her from the very moment I came across her. She was charming, effervescent. And Jude was her soul mate in every sense of the word. Just to see them together was a joy unto itself. It was like they were coordinated – the twinkle of her eye that only he read, his smile to her across the room that only she saw, and knew was for her alone. And I, on the wrong side of the big ‘30’, felt admittedly jealous of this sort of love I hadn’t felt in a long time, if ever.

It had just seemed another ordinary day. Beth came home from her teaching job at the local school when she found the doors unlocked. Panicked, she walked in on them. The image of her husband, her Jude, sprawled onto her? Vanessa? The nanny? She reeled onto the doors for support. It was only then she noticed the blood.
The detectives found Beth still clinging onto the walls, ashen faced.

Everyone in the neighborhood tried to be there for her. But she seemed to be… unhinged, disconnected. The rumors were strife, yet Beth seemed too calm. And then they came for her.

This was just unbelievable! No one could believe it could be Beth… and yet the evidence. At this point, I found myself thinking hard, contemplating on what I could do. Should do.
'Should I? Shouldn’t I? Oh Hell. The very last time I am doing this.’ Then I press END. Straight to the last page of the PDF eBook.

What? It’s the spurned lover of the nanny who..? And wow! Beth ends up doing the detective. Great! And the author so couldn’t resist the whole Jude – Nanny angle.

This is the absolute LAST time I am reading a bloody chick lit.

Louie Wedding

2010-12-14T05:57:00.000-08:00

Louie, my beloved friends marriage captured by me.. chk it out by clicking on the pic to be redirected to picasa.

A simple life

2010-05-28T12:21:00.001-07:00

This is my flashfiction entry for the fortnight till 31st may for the prompt below. Those unaware of what that is, read my previous post here.

Now who the hell did he think he was, barging in at this time? Is there no sense of time, no manners that these city boys harbour?

“Dinner, by any chance?”

This is a home. There are rules! And am I just supposed to wait up each night?

“Uh… thanks, you’re a doll!”

Oh, now he smells of liquor too. Great! Wait till Mum is up and…

“Well, I’ll be off then.”

Oh Gawd! Some friends dad kept… and now we harbour this idiot son of his friend, from ‘NYC’. One fortnight is like a year! We’re simple folks - We like our timings, our TV dinners, our soaps. We like our tea time, our knitting. This is the exact kind of thing we don’t want. And then he comes so late from god knows where and he… Ughh, don’t shout so loud!!

“Hey, could you help me out with these clothes if you’re still up? I’d be screwed if I don’t sort…”

Anything to stop the shouting down the stairwell. Well, it is his last night. Ok… packed the jeans, shirt, pants… eww! Dirty undies! And would he just STOP coming my way? I can’t handle that breath… and that T-shirt. Is there no grammar rule you adhere to? What the heck is ‘Badder and baddest’? Whoa! What’s that sticky, bloody stuff on top? Sauce? Wine? Blood?

A whisper. “You smell awfully nice, you know.”

And you smell awful. Period. And you’re slurring. In my ear. Hey! Don’t go playing with my hair. It’s not like you notice me.

“Wait… I won’t hurt you, hmm?”

That smile. And that mouth. Oh please, stop. STOP.

“How old are you, anyway?”

Like it matters. Will you please shut up and NOT stop? Oh don’t stop. I can’t breathe, I… Oh that feels good too…Whaa..? OK. Umm… Uh!

What the heck, Mom always said to be gracious to guests.

And I did say I like it simple.

reflection

2010-05-14T03:28:00.001-07:00

This is my entry to the prompt#3 for the flashfiction story writing challenge. You can see the image for the fortnight below. If you like it, please visit my original entry here:

The sky, witness to the day’s lost vigour

Enveloped in grey

Inches from its death

And the dark beast shall rise again

To find its prey

I see the light fading slowly

Another glow shall come alive

First it was the sun, and now the night’s light

They play with the glass, enveloping it gently

Yet, in a quiet tussle

To surpass the other, with all their might

Each day, every night

This play I see, I smile

Then I gaze over the ocean

Its mighty silence that stretches for miles

As silent, as lonely, as I

With no one at all,

But for my wine

Yes, another day has passed me by.

just a girl

2010-05-05T22:53:00.001-07:00

She smiles and the world smiles

without reason she breaks into a song

yet she is shy, even restrained

when the elders come along

she is goes clubbing all night…

yet she says her prayers first thing,

while the sky is streaked with light.

Just a girl, still a girl

happy, carefree

if you just let be.

she lives, breathes in Jeans and tees

slim fit and rugged,

but she goes to the temple in her suit

on the bike she drives,

and she sits cross legged

she knows what she wants,

she chose her friends, her books, her dresses

but she cant chose the one thing that matters

that is the man she she would marry,

no they won’t ask her that

she feels lied to, cheated… her life in tatters

Just a girl, forced to be a woman

with her wings clipped

just as she was about to soar

No, they just wont let her be.

P.S. : I don't know why I wrote this, the words all but flowed out. As I write this note I haven't edited a word of it yet. I guess this has to do with all the injustices I see around me to all the girls I knew in school, college and in my current life. They have everything, but the right to chose the one thing that matters most, all due to a zillion prejudices – language, caste, what-not. That too in the modern, city dwelling, educated India. And I see them silently screaming for liberation. All I can hope for at this time is that our generation, the all liberal, educated, open-minded batch of young people don't do this to their own children 30 years from now.

The Muse

2010-04-28T09:37:00.000-07:00

Hey all,

In case u guys didn't know, I decided to sign up for Aniket's initiative @ flashfiction, which by the way is verrry brave to put yourself out there ( I would have been scared to death!). This basically means I have to put up one post every fortnight according to the prompt given. It also means that I have some inspiration to get my lazy butt off the couch and write. Which I hope I do. In any case, I wont ramble on about it, so YOU go visit flashfiction at the link. And you can read my first entry titled - The Muse. I would have put it up here but for this first post, I think I will just show just extra support by trying to send in some traffic. ( Or is it the other way now - scaring people away?? hope not!). Hope U like it!

a year later

2010-03-26T13:12:00.001-07:00

Today is nearly a year later… a year has passed since I fell ill and a year that saw me let go of the many restrictions I had placed upon myself. Yes, its been a year since I stopped dieting. And gained more than just a few extra kilos again.

I had worked literally my A** off in order to lose a decade of food binges, and a neat figure of 10 kilos to show for it. Yes you may have guessed I have nearly put on that much again if not more. I put in nearly 12K at the gym, I gave up cooked food as such and I worked out. Hard. And in 4-5 months, I was slimmer. Not yet svelte, but 3 sizes smaller!

But am I sad? That would be NO. I do feel sorry for the hard work put in by my gym guys, and my jogging partner who egged me on SO much. I do wish I had the determination to carry on after the 3 month break advised by the doc. I really do want the healthy me, I do. Ok laugh, but I plan to start again soon ( or my jeans may just bursst out of the seams). But the diet – no I DO not miss that at all. Nah-ah.

With so many restrictions and the boiled/steamed/roasted food, I felt nearly alien all the time! I reduced going out, when I did go I ate and went… just to avoid those stairs while I ordered salad. I mean in India eating that in a party is nearly blasphemous! ‘Not with the paneer and the chicken tikka around? please!’ I actually admit, I felt down and weak all the bloody time. And what use is your diet in office when you see the screen swimming in front of you cos your hungry, huh? That had started happening a lot. And its not just the food. I just felt the need to break free to be able to connect to people instead of shying away or being aloof. Ok ya Food is life too.

Today I feel happier. Not my ultimate-cant-be-better-happy but I feel I behave better on a full stomach. If only the weight would magically go away! Hmmph! Well that ain’t gonna happen, but I do know that to attain that I need to find a balance. I need to coax my jogging-partner again who’s all but given up! And I wont bloody diet. No bong is ever meant to do that!

But I do wonder… what's with all this emphasis on a persons weight ( And I know I am the zillionth person to say so)? If I want to do so, good. But I don't want to be slim cos the world wants me to be! What’s better, a fat person enjoying his/her life or a slim person slogging it out to fit in ? The pressure is insane! But really, I have never fit in ever anyways,have I? Here's hoping I never do feel that urge, and that I do attain that ‘ultimate-cant-be-better’ state without confirming to the norms. But if I don't, I wont hate me. And I would never ever judge on the ‘chubby’ basis alone If I ever am one of those who I envy at this point… yes, those slim gals with the oversized shades and oversized bags, those girls whom I watch and it makes my oversized self wanna go binging again! Time to go raid the fridge, one of the few more times before the regime begins… wish me luck!

Private

2010-03-15T00:47:00.001-07:00

“Give it to me!”

“No… I can’t!”

“And why not, huh?” He said moving closer.

“I just… leave me alone will ya? Its private!”

“You bitch! Just let me have it or…”He twisted her arm.

“Uh! you're hurting me!” She hissed. “its..its leahz001”

“That’s my girl!” He snickered.

He quickly let her go, and powered on her laptop, opening the email client. He then punched in the keys to those precious alphabets he so wanted to know of.

He searched. He looked over and over, into every word, every chat history, every... Nothing. Nill. Nada.

Still not satisfied, he stood to leave he room hurriedly. He thought he knew… he was so sure that there was more… there had to be!

“Happy now?”

“For the moment, yeah I am. But I will keep looking…” he answered, irritated. He then turned on his heel and left, leaving the door ajar.

‘And you think I would be having an online affair with my personal account hmm? For you to just barage into my things as and when… no siree! To that world I am not your stupid housewife... to them, I am sexy, strong… to them I am Roxanne!’ she grinned slyly.

Deliverance - Part III

2010-01-05T03:20:00.001-08:00

Liam, the gatekeeper, was going to resume his duty at the gate when he was rounded up at the lobby and all entrances were sealed. After ushering in the police, he had helped the manager regain control of himself after the police came in. ‘Now what!’ he grumbled.
“Has any of your employees left yet?” asked Inspector Raul.
“No, it’s just after six and… the shift ends at eight.” The manager answered, gasping.
“None?”
“Uh, Sir… Anne just left. Good Friday…” Sheila intervened, whispering.
“Oh I see. Well then, I think we have everyone else – call up all the house guests, get me your guest register, employee locker keys… anyone who might have seen something, anything that helps.” Raoul barked orders before proceeding to Room A412. “Paul, fill me in”.
Paul, Raoul’s junior, spoke hurriedly tried to fit in as much as he could while half running to keep his pace with Raoul “Sir the body’s been stabbed several times, nearly castrated. And he was lying naked on the floor on its back when the team arrived. No money has been stolen, or so it seems.”
“Poor chap had been rather brutally done in… hmm. So who is in charge of housekeeping, you said?” Raoul asked.
“ Its..umm… I sent Anne up in there right before she left.” The Manager put in.
“Anne? The one who? Oh! ” Raoul turned on his heel. “I have a feeling about this one. You said he was naked? ”
‘Raoul and his feelings’ thought Paul, nodding his head.
“Get me contents to Anne’s locker, fingerprints, dna samples, address, Bio. Get started on that. I think I may just take a stroll. You think you can manage? ” Raoul walked away without waiting for an answer.
****
“hello, Detective Raoul”
“Sir, Its Paul. I think we have a fingerprint match here, with Anne I mean.”
“That could be because she was cleaning.”
“We found one on the body.”
“Oh. In any case I am here at her house for questioning.”
“But sir, it… I mean she could be… ”
“Yes I know Paul, you keep backup ready just in case. It is a little more than a mile from the hotel. I will call if I need you guys.”
Raoul saw the lights off at the house and wondered if the girl had turned fugitive. The gardens were untended to and the house had an unoccupied look. He then peeped inside from the dusty windows. He could not see anything at first, but then he heard.
“Please make her understand, Jesus. Please…”
“Tell her, I am doing this so her evil heart be cleansed, so she can go to heaven… tell her! We’ll both we away from this bad, bad world together… oh mother! “
Then Raoul saw.
‘Holy mother of God!’ Raoul decided to call Paul.
******
It was relatively easy then on. When Anne heard the police warnings, she froze, dropping the knife down. All those men entering at once seemed to her mind as men rushing to devour her… she screamed...
“There is not one murder but two, Inspector Raoul?” the correspondent from Daily Mirror asked.
“Yes, you are right. Mr. Justin, a guest of the Lake Emerald hotel was found murdered, that led us to another dead body being found. Ms. Anne is charged with both of these murders and will be tried in court of law.”
“Ms. Anne has a previous crime record.”
“Yes, she was booked seven years ago for attempt to murder of three men, all of whom tried to sexually abuse her. She was sent to juvenile prison and to psychological ward for trauma and anger management issues. She was let off easily pleading temporary insanity and self defense.”
“Any motive yet found for these murders?”
“None, but we can only guess. Mr. Justin was found in a compromising position, leading us to believe his sexual advances triggered off the murder. Anger seems to be the motive in both cases.”
“And the second victim? You said you watched her being stabbed by Anne. Couldn’t she be saved, since the police got here moments later….”
“The second victim was Anne’s Mother. Yes I watched her being stabbed. But no, she couldn’t have been saved, though we tried.”
Raoul Paused. “She was dead weeks ago.”

Deliverance - Part2

2009-11-16T05:03:00.001-08:00

Anne wiped her tears when she reached the gate. She had walked home; she needed to, even though she felt too tired…

But now she was back – to her refuge, her Jesus. She walked straight past Mammy to her room where Jesus waited. She bowed her head to seek peace, guidance. A few candles were still lit on the shelf where the image of Jesus lay – these were the only source of illumination in the room. The shelf was scarred with markings of the hundreds of candles Anna lit. The walls were bare and the furniture, minimal. She glared at the bed in sudden rage. This is where they made her tainted, dirty. Her ‘uncles’. Hah!

Looking back, Anna realized she had been barely ten, when they started arriving. She was used to doing all the chores at home by that time so mammy wouldn’t have to, after she came home from work. No matter how well she scrubbed the floor, or did the dishes, Anne got a thrashing for one thing or another, nonetheless. Anything to please Mammy, she thought. But mammy never was. ‘Obviously her sole, meager income proved to be too less for her’ thought Anna. ‘That’s when Mammy must have decided not to live in poverty, when she had a daughter to live off by.’

‘That’s when my childhood ended.’

Tears streamed down her face as she thought of the nights she dreaded coming home. The giant drunks, the druggists, all came one night after another. She pleaded, squirmed and shouted. She cried. She begged. But they laughed. Years after years. Now all the housework and Jesus became her refuge. She waited for salvation, but she had become dirty, she knew. Between the days of household chores and those nights… she dropped out of school. How could she go anyway?

Then one day there were three of them. She boiled over. All her hidden courage came to surface and she took her stand – to make mommy understand. It was not possible any longer for her to keep quite. She was so angry…. Then something terrible happened. She had had to live away from Mammy - it was a dark period; she dismissed it, not wanting to think about it. Yes, it took time, but Mammy understood now. “You understood Mammy, didn’t you?” Anna asked loudly.

So Anna did the only thing for her Mammy’s needs that she could. She took up a housekeeping job in a hotel. All was going well until … Anna suddenly got up and went outside to the sitting area to look her Mammy up. Mammy hadn’t replied to her, neither had she made a sound. She saw her Mammy still sitting in the chair she knit in.

“Why aren’t you answering Mammy? See your precious bread winner is back!” Mammy didn’t look up. “So I am late, I know. Look at me!” she screamed. “Oh! You hate me don’t you? You know what I hate? I hate people like you who.... don’t understand… who just …”

Anna took the knife from the fruit bowl and plunged it into mammy. Once… twice… thrice…

‘Please make her understand, Jesus. Please…’ she kept saying to herself.

-To be continued…

Deliverance

2009-10-29T06:22:00.001-07:00

Part 1

‘Mammy will be mad if I am late… oh so mad!’ she quickly bowed to the image of the messiah in her small locker. Gathering her things, Anne quickly rushed out of the humid, sultry room.

Today of all days, she was going to be late.

Anne went about her work in the lobby as usual, checking her watch while at it. Try as she may, she knew she would not reach home on time tonight. Mammy had especially wanted her to reach home early, for today was Good Friday. Both Anne and her Mammy had fasted all day - the thought of Mammy hungry, waiting sent a chill down Anna’s spine, and inadvertently she started to work faster. The thought of slipping away struck her. ‘It’s not like I’ll be missed around here’ she thought ‘just mere housekeeping staff…’

“One minute, sir!” Anne said. She gave the room a final look over. ‘A last minute booking’ as the supervisor had put it and Anne complied. She dragged her feet towards the door. ‘Maybe the guest came in earlier than planned…hmmph!’

She felt the cool appraisal in the guest’s eyes as she continued towards the parlor to finish up. He continued towards the shower as if her plead to wait outside were inconsequential. She absolutely hated it when that happened. Then again, so was her hurry to get home, she didn’t even realize when he came up behind her and…

She cried to cry out but her cries were stifled – he was a strong man.

She pleaded and pleaded…

----

On her way out of the hotel, Anna sobbed. There was nothing else she could do – she needed the job, for her sake and Mammy’s. She had been through this kind of behavior but it had never got so out of hand… She tried to collect her thoughts, but finally on stepping out, she broke all restraint and cried. She knew there was no use reporting, she did the only thing she could do – took her things, and ran.

Just as Liam watched Anna walked away and around the bend from his position at the gate, his ears alerted to the sound of a police siren in the distance. He dismissed it just as something he was accustomed to in this neighborhood. But soon enough that familiar siren loomed closer until he watched the police car enter the Hotel gates, and his manager came rushing out, in utter shock, to meet it.

“There’s been a murder!” the sound echoed from within the halls.

Liam felt himself getting pushed aside by the enormous wave of people that all wanted to rush out, and suddenly, there was panic all around.

-To be continued…

I am alive!

2009-10-07T06:42:00.000-07:00

Yes i am alive, and yes i can type, though i haven't done much to prove that fact over the last few days... oh well!

I even was on a sabbatical for a few days but thats not it. I just.. lost the drive i guess. and i am not sure if i can do this again for a long time now. But this blog will always be special. It gave me wings, then reading the other blogs from talented folks like you all, i realised my fallacies and pushed to do better, until one day when my office decided they could do without blog access and boom! there went my creativity so to say, out of the window.

I tried, there were lotsa last ditch attempts, trashed drafts. but i couldnt mail to my personal email and post it from home, I just didnt have d drive anymore. Or maybe I've exhausted what it takes after Jasons contest 'In Vino Veritas', I will never know!

But i am trying, hopefully some of it may see d light of d day. I really want to attempt Humor, thats my weak point I know. Lets see how it works out. But thanks Rush, Amrita. It feels nice to know you were missed a little.
Love,
A

Waiting

2009-07-16T05:05:00.000-07:00

This is something personal - My dearest friend, who just needs to be jolted out of an emotionally draining relationship. I wrote it when I was at a loss to help out at a particularly distressing time for her. If you're reading this, this one's for you. You deserve much better, remember that.

I've been waiting... pretty long,
I've been holdin' on too strong.
They tell me, now's the time
to let go - but how, they don't know.

I've been waiting for that dim ray of light,
waiting for that one smile,
waiting for you to look at me too.
I've put on a hold my whole life,
waited with my breath held tight
But you never turned around,
you never saw, did you?

And when looking back, I realise
I didnt even know how to dress
without wanting you to see...
What to say, will it please you?
All this time, all these years
I kept hoping you realise
my love is true, Oh! so true...

But now Ive been thinkin, pretty hard.
I am not gonna be that girl, no longer
cos I'm smarter than that!
I'm not gonna be your doormat
only there when u need
someone because you're sad.

Now I am waiting for my heart to mend,
ready to go across that first bend,
waiting to get my life back,
and to see these times through.
Im waiting once again to be strong
Cos this sham has gone on too long...
I am tired of this waiting... I 've waited too long for you.

Remorse

2009-07-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

I was scared. Damn scared. But I did it.Here's my entry to In Vino Veritas, a short fiction contest held by Jason in case you didnt already know. Basically you have to conjure a vision inpired by this image.

Well my story ain't an epic, but its my take. It ain't phenomenal either, but I couldn't put it across any other way... But I want to hear how I can improve - I mean look at the creative people out there! And the technique, ooh! So read it here, but be sure to check it out on Jasons blog too! My story is entry#111 - and do check out other amazing writeups too, its a reader's paradise!
Ok as for my story, here it is.

Remorse

“But she and that filth made me do it!” Steve said, staring at Ben.

“How people ogled at her; she was something! I loved her. But Renée hadn’t wanted me that way for a long time, Ben! She was out every evening while I…counted on wine. And there were her lies! As if I didn’t know she wasn’t just friends with that bastard!” Steve clutched the glass. Ben stared back.

“I thought that's what you were, a bastard. You weren’t… mine. I was patient, Ben - I waited; I took the tests on you--results took too long…” Steve took a swig. “That night, I saw her with him, again! I was enraged. I had a glass too many…”

“There you were, sleeping. I don’t know why, I thought this would be Renée’s lesson….” Steve whispered. “Blood is much like wine.... everyday I dirty my hands in it, Ben. Yet, my hands trembled. And… in a moment, you lay still, silenced!”

“Then they blamed her…took Renée away. I was careful even in that drunk state. It’s natural to us doctors…” He sobbed “…and now I got those results in my hands…it says you were…My son…not his! Maybe so was your mother…my wife…. too late…” Steve closed his eyes.

“But you were brave, son. You didn’t cry… just a little. So brave…” Steve mumbled, and put down the silver photo frame back on the mantelpiece as the glass slipped from his grip, and on the cream rug, staining it red.

A Typical, Frustrated writeup

2009-07-11T08:04:00.000-07:00

The novelty of office coffee
Has long worn out
The once- bright lights, now blinding
‘Passion’ ain’t what this remains about,
We’re all bent upon barely surviving.

I came in with a zest unmatched
The zeal is all flickering and dim,
The head held high, those bright eyes,
are all but weary and grim.

Those masters deemed the Client.
They really do screw around.
I wonder why they coined that term
To make me sound quite like a tart…
But don’t I happily give in, to their every whim
So eager to please…
Without a sound!

I see them, come in one by one
Then they go, sacrificed at the altar
For the excuse of being a burden
Of this machinery called ‘Corporations’
Stripped of a path, they didn’t even want
In the first place!

Yet they feel lost, set out again
Hoping they find again
The destination at the end of this race.
Little do they realize then
They’re neglecting the truth
that stares blinding at their face…
It’s a vortes, as they say
Once you're sucked in
You can never resurface.

The inside story

2009-07-10T08:03:00.000-07:00

‘Should I call?’ thought Phil. ‘What WILL she think? But If I don’t, and she expects me to, that’ll be worse, ok so…’

‘So damn easy for the chicks with this emotional stuff’ he mutters. ‘You’d better be verrry grateful I am doing this!’ Phil thought.
But then he won’t ever have made the call if it weren’t Anika.
Anika had always been so like him, but then again she was so free with speaking her mind.
‘If it were her doing something like this, she’d be so much better.’ Phil thinks.
‘ok shes gonna love this, all chicks do! She must have counted d days uptill today. Maybe I will get a bonus too, in the eve, for remembering…’ he chuckles.
And he makes the call.
---------

"Hi, morning!"
"Hey! Hello... youre up early today" I was struggling to open my eyelids.
"Just went out for a jog... I remembered its 2nd Jul today" said Phil, between gasps.
"Huh... Oh!" it dawned.
"So I guess that means its… Umm, ahh" Phil said, haltingly.
"It’s our Anniversary" I finished for him.
"Hmm... yes. So, happy anniversary, I guess?” stuttered Phil.
"Uh, yeah. Yes… you too"
"Maybe we should do something, Anika... go out, maybe."
"Yeah, maybe" my heart was positively pounding now. "I will call you if I am free in the eve..." I tried to sound my cheerful best
"It was just an idea, I know it’s a weekday..." he hung up.

Drat! That does it. Now he's mad!
What was i supposed to say? 1 year? Anniversary?
Oh... So that means we're going steady now. Steady huh! I am what - 23?

Oh god, Oh god. Does that mean I am never gonna have that first kiss again?
That butterfly feeling is what... a distant memory? Oh My!
I still have so many (read – Hollywood like) moments to live before I…
I can’t even think of the word “commit”.
Walking into the sunset, for one… I think this while I get up, and hit my toe against the bed. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Darn! I can’t even walk straight.
But…that first conversation, that first walk in the rain.
The first date, the very first time holding hands... Oh! Those I can do!

Hey, but Phil was being sweet about it. Remembered it even, while I had no idea about it even until yesterday.

Oh, but he’s was so free with speaking his mind.
If I were her doing something like this, I’d be so much worse, I am sure.
But he gathered his guts to make the call, didn’t he?

'Was it cos he's scared of me?' I chuckle.

Well who gives a damn about the first-time's anyways?
'YOU do' the inner me says. Oh, shut up.
Who wants to date a guy again, to find out about his smelly socks?
Or even discover him a complete jerk anyway?
Especially when I got Phil, though the way the women look at him sometimes... as if they’d run daggers through me just to be standing next to him.

And he’s mine. Mine!
I get up and make the call. Darn the first-times.

"Oh Phil? Ya its me. I was thinking... I guess I can make it to dinner. Yes I know the weekend rule, I made it, I can relax it today, cant I? … Yes I am sure. See you at 8, then? Sears, it is. Uhh... I… you too."

Shit. Did he just say…? Breathe. Calm down. GO DRESS!
I make it to the bath before the panic attack.

Cleaning out my closet

2009-07-01T07:22:00.001-07:00

Papers strewn around.
I look everywhere
Flying bottles of ink
I never knew I had.

some old pictures,
flashes in my eye as I see them -
An image of that picture
That makes me look sad.

Averting my eye I attack another pile
Only to find
Some more rubble
Once so precious,
Now I cant remember
What is what
Why I kept it at all.

Oh there! I see it.
No it wont do.
Uhh! I have to get up now.
Dress and go out
For as long as I try
I am never going to unearth
That one Passport size pic
I set out to find
That’s what this expedition
Was all about.

An old love revisited - the 'Pop Culture'

2009-06-26T07:31:00.000-07:00

Mj died. The king of pop, supposedly.

It has shocked the world, but then he was prone to shock. Even in his death,

He shocks. But the world isnt moved.

I am not a fan of his, far from it. I was too young when he emerged on the scene. His last gig in 2001, Invincible, wasn’t too impressive either. But I do remember his songs playing in the background of children parties, and I remember watching Billboards on Millenium eve to have his album “Thriller” emerge as no1 in sales ever. I remember wondering why he sang “Black or White” when he himself found it necessary to have himself ‘whitened’ just to fit-in.

But whats amazing is how the world once so awed by this artist isnt much affected by the death. Except MTV maybe, theyre drivin us crazy with their MJ lineup!

On the other hand, Boyzone is back together… after years of me waiting n giving up, now they tell me! I believe theyre touring the world at this time.

So would they get their following back? Who would get the King of pop title now? Or does it remain unclaimed for?

Hahaha! I wish I could say watch this space, but who cares, really! Had u asked me

Anything like this 8-10 yrs back I would have given u detail info, but now I guess I overgrew it. Just reminded me of old pop-crazy times, that’s all. now were all too hard and practical to care about pop and all things mushy that go with it I guess.

Tag tales

2009-06-25T11:17:00.000-07:00

Hey all!
Well I've been tagged, by Amrita d gr8! And I've been raking my brains OUT for it... what a feat it is for me to have finally sat down to it!
SO here goes, this is about the 5 things i love of me. I know, tough ryt? I mean who gives a thought to it! Plus what do I write thats different from Amlu, she put my life on paper when she wrote her tag. Nevertheless... remember I am being brutally honest ok?

1. Let me start about my upbringing. I love that I am a Bengali by birth, a race that’s known for rich literature and intellectuality in India (so people assume me intelligent, that's undue I know :p ). Also my Dad is a Colonel in the Indian Army that gives me a sense of pride and selfless love for the country... I am in love with my nation and so proud of being a SODA (Senior Officers Daughter Association) LOLz.

2. Ok two, I have travelled well across the nation following dad on his postings. It has inadvertantly resulted in me having a somewhat wide knowledge bank of cultures, languages and geographies... all resulting from the curiosity of exploring a whole new way of life every 2 years or so. So in short I have this unquenchable thirst for gaining knowledge of anything and everything – this comes handy n even a bit impressive at times ;) My ability to talk to anyone at all, and judging a persons frame of mind may also have stemmed from this experience.

3. I love that I have an inborn taste for all good things. I adore having people ask me whats in – whats not. And they do, really! I love KNOWING what will look good, by just instinct and also by keeping myself updated ( see that's curiosity again).
I just did my bedroom interiors… and the reviews are fab too. (OK am I gloating? But isn’t this about me… :P)

4. This may sound clichéd, but… I love the fact that I love to read. It’s a whole new world for me out there and I can lose myself there for days on end. So I never end up feeling alone. That and the fact that my diction and vocab have only bettered because of my love of reading, gives me a lot of confidence and also responsible for my poise. My love of writing has also stemmed from this very addiction of mine, I am sure. That's what gave my head ideas and the courage to indulge in them, you see. :)

5. I am truly happy. Content would be a strong word, I wont be content till I am 70 I guess. But I think I have my inner peace and that's only because of having so many people to love and indulge me! I live with my folks, something most people in y industry miss. I have a loving set of friends who are fiercely protective. And I have loved too, deeply… it makes my world go around! I have forgiven all who have trespassed against me and think that now on any phase will be the best phase of my life.

Ok so that was ME. Now its your turn, yes you whos going through this. I am going to tag a few people but hey, as the rule goes, feel free to tag yourself and write this.
As for those who I tag and for those who tag themselves, you can either comment here or do an entire new post in your blog, if you do have one.
Ok so I tag:

1. The.Lifestyle.Artist (I’d love to see how you do this)
2. AKP (You’ve been commenting so avidly,thanks! Hope u get around to do this)
3. InBugs'Drawers(Hey I would wanna see your take on this!)
4. Ashish (so newbie ;) wassup? Ready for d tag, Eh!)
5. Prashant (high time you featured on ANY comment list on my blog… my supposed friend, u better THIS time!)

Ok that's that. Wait for alluv you alls responses to this… yippee I got done!!!!

As i see it

2009-06-19T05:32:00.000-07:00

Passions is overflowing in me, spilling onto the various facets of my life. I am reading the Nicholas Sparks novels and the Twilight saga (3 down 1 to go), ditching my Matthew Reilly’s for the time being. It reflects in my writing too, up to an extent (ok… wholly J).but how am I to blame? Its d weather, the air, the whole monsoon arrival that’s got to me!

But then I realize that when I get offended, I also hate with a passion. . And somehow, most of it happens at the workplace! And most is about plain simple etiquette. Strange, that with the corporate culture et all! Also typical Virgo that I am, I guess I am these days in the analytic mood even more so than usual. (Check out the recent posts with all d bulleted reasoning, and you’ll know what I mean :P) I wouldn’t ever have put this on paper ( read: the web) if it weren’t for Aniket’s Blog, that made me think maybe it is a good thing to let it out. These office things piss me off!

How come it’s ok to dress in shabby clothes yourself and comment on every girl’s attire? Come on!

Even if some guys stay back in the office and drink coffee, play games and basically do nothing, they sneer at the person who leaves after putting in 9-10 hrs of solid work! Is that really ok?

Remember manners, guys? Like not having an onion stinking breath after lunch.

When will they learn not to stare at a girls chest imprint? I know it isn’t the graffiti you're reading. Look at the face!

If you don’t understand something in fashion like a clutch, or a shrug, shut up and don’t show your ignorance.

Don’t dismiss what I am saying with a wave of your hand or an ‘uh… huh’. I can have my opinion too, right?

Just because I do not join your all-guys, team beer drinking sessions does that have to affect my work life? Is that your basis for judging a person?

And did you know the ladies wash room is a mess, when u basically DO your thing and wanna flush, u gotta gear up and rush to the other ens cos the high end fitting (potty to us) with its whoooshing... may spill water onto your clothes! ewww, i know.(Cant believe i wrote that :P )

Oh the list is endless, ask anyone. But that's all I can muster up now without having another bout of fowl mood. And I don’t want that right now. I so don’t wanna think of Monday right away or all that follows it- the weather is too perfect for that. for all I will just lay back and revel in it. Hmmm...

And hey no more analytical posts, I know its tiring ;)

Oh wait, Amrita just tagged me! Sorry folks you got 1 more list to endure ;)

Separation

2009-06-12T11:34:00.000-07:00

I’m saying this for d millionth time, but its JUNE guys! So I was pondering about the whole matter of love and those of the heart, and… anyone who has ever understood love, has gone through the pain too - and its worse when you’re far. Much, much worse.

In a pensive mood, I muse of this very aspect of loving. The separations, be it short or a long distance relationship. Those, I tell you, are the hardest. But there's so much more than what meets the eye, in this case more than any other. So that’s what we’re gonna scrutinize today. Personally, I have experienced this both first hand as well as seen many such cases, thanks to the ‘Agony Aunt’ tag since my teens. So you up to it?

The Bad

This isn’t tough, its all bad right?

You can’t face another day in the morning, thinking of the long, long day ahead.

You groan every time you think of the empty house you're gonna go back to.

You dread going to get-togethers alone – you’ve been a part of a couple so long!

You think in pairs – couple movie tickets, twin passes, everything. And painfully reminded everytime of it.

There's this movie/play u so wanted to see, but now u don’t want to, alone.

*There so much more to it, this is what I can think of right now… *

The Good (think… think… think)

Its one day less of fights. Ugh!

You have time to finally catch up on the reading, update your social networking site!

You can get some time out for YOURSELF! Pamper yourself in the spa – get that haircut you didn’t have time for.

Go out for that gals/guys night out without guilt!

Use the time to get thing done, around the house or just regular chores, which were always taking the backseat.

You can have a day of guilt free dessert hogging/ getting sloshed at the bar minus the bickering!

You save the dough u spent on dates, presents… buy yourself a lil something u always wanted.

You update your blog everyday, about heart sickness and get load of sympathy comments. (No not really!)

P.S: I know these really work If it’s a short time separation, just things to pacify yourself to get yourself through the day.

The Bittersweet (what... u expected The Ugly, right?)

You pledge to call more often to say you love them once they’re back

You MISS the fights too, weirdly enough, even though you’re not supposed to miss arguments.

You tell yourself, once he/she’s back, no more fighting from my side.

You have nothing else to wear yet you do not wear that one dress you know they like, cos you're gonna wear it the day you go to pick them up from the airport.

You're driving back from office and the radio’s playing sad songs that remind you of him/her and your eyes mist.

Even better - if it’s a song he/she loves, or if it’s YOUR song, there's no stopping that one tear.

You read and reread the letters, cards…

You are scared of calling too much and yet, cant stop – you're phone bills are sky high!

* * * * *

That’s just a fraction of the plethora of emotions you feel when a loved one is away, and we were just getting started here. There's so much more that words can’t express and we can’t ever imagine getting into its depths. It takes an amazing amount of strength to hold onto that flickering hope of getting reunited.

Still, I would love it if some of you also share your own experiences on separation and some of your good, bad and bittersweet instances… I know you all have a way with words. So your turn now, I am all ears!

The other side

2009-06-08T04:15:00.004-07:00

“Go, go on ahead.”

“But... I don’t think…”

“We had talked about this, hadn’t we? You're a good sport, now go on.”

“But then… look at all the others!”

“What of the others, sweetie?”

“They will all think… u know what they’ll think?”

“What are you afraid of?”

“That… that I will be teased” Gasp!

“Or worse… left alone! They will all leave me!”

“There, there! Don’t feel so down… u can always do what YOU feel is right.
But remember…”

“Hmm?”

“If they leave you, if they all go away, you still wont be alone.
You will move closer - to God. God loves people who are good.
People who actually do what you're taught at Sunday school...”

"Hmm? Yah… ok I hear you.”

Then my Angie finally wriggled from my arms, straightened her dress and walked over to the playground. Only today she went over to the other side - where there were no bunches of children shouting, no playing and shrieking. They all looked at her bizarrely as she walked.
Oh I feared for her. ‘What did I get her into?’

But she did me proud as she walked over… to that little boy, swinging alone on the swings and joined him. At this my heart welled over, and I turned to walk back.
She will be fine, I know now.

Surrender

2009-06-05T06:00:00.000-07:00

It was getting dark. Moira was walking towards her house, hurriedly.

That’s when out of nowhere, He materialized... surprising her - and Moira took a step backwards.

He literally shoved Moira to an empty lane nearby.

She started getting scared….

He caught on by the look on her face.He engulfed her and outstretched his hands. She caught the smells he had on. Now he knew, Moira thought, that she was powerless in front of him…

And then she was enraged at his guts.

“There’s more where that came from…” and smiled that wicked smile. ‘And you know the price’.

But he was not to be trusted. He was notorious; she had escaped trouble because of him earlier.

But this time Moira had resolved not to give in. She had to stand up for herself…

‘Oh what the hell!’ she thought.

Then Moira reached upwards and gave a Huge hug to her cheeky brother. He had earlier teased her endlessly, causing her to cry.She just couldn’t be cross for so long… just like he.

But this was absolutely the Last time she wasn’t telling Mommy.

P.S: This is for the june theme, only a different kinda love!

Thoughts for today

2009-06-03T06:14:00.000-07:00

Well I am one of the complaining lot.

As usual I began ranting this last Friday when i had to stay back later than usual in office,

Of all the joys my life was Missing all the things I wanted to do…

Then someone I didn’t expect to, quite patronisingly said “why keep muttering, do something!”

Well, then I did.

I went ahead and partied after close a year… went to this hip club n let my hair down
Checked out a restaurant I wanted to for ages, 11 East street café and didn’t hesitate to ask the maitre-d for the table with the best view. I tried out a zillion things there – Greek, Arabic, English, Italian… you name it. Quite different for my otherwise cautious taste buds J
And I bought THE most beautiful shoe I wanted but didn’t wanna spend so much… but I happened to get a discount! (Heres a pic, even if u don’t think much of it)

LC Femmes

(Oh I love It I love it I love it!)

I checked out quite a few institutes course material for MBA prep test series which I have finally decided to give a shot to.
I am gonna start up on the membership I enrolled in, in March. Yes u guessed it, a Gym membership.
I just have to do the BIG chore of actually finding the time to do all this in my 12 hr office day.

Amidst all this in one weekend I also found the time to read ‘A 3^rd serving of Chicken soup for the soul’.

Some instances were so… touching my eyes swelled over. It did nothing but to reaffirm some well known facts and reinstate belief in human feelings, most of all - love.

There was this letter a trucker wrote to his wife while he waited to die for two whole days stuck alone post an accident in the mountains. What would you write if this were your last letter?

Some other key learnings from these simple everyday experiences are as below. Some really helped me let go of some ghosts from the past.

· You only take love with you when you die, so amass as much you can.

· That you can do, only if you Give away as much love you can.

· Its all right to forgive - for your own sake more than any one else’s. Forgive for your hearts peace.

· Parents are people too and they also deserve I love yous as much as you.

· They really do do stuff they think best. So give them the credit they deserve.

· You have to express your love, as much as you can. That’s true for ur partner, friends and your children too. That way you will always be at peace on your last day on earth, knowing that they realize how much they mean to you.

· Its all about the right attitude and complaining isn’t one of it. So gear up for whats ahead instead of ‘whining’ away your time (hey that was me who came up wid that ;) )

· Ok this is clichéd but don’t judge a person by his appearance, which goes to show how shallow you are.

· If life has treated you well, then help other not so fortunate people. They say, god exists in all forms on earth. So go ahead, be an angel.

There was so much more I learnt that one night. I made a lot of peace with me that one night than a thousand restless days. I just don wanna go on n on but if even some of it touched like it did me, then that’ll be worth the risk of being labeled a preacher!

As for me, I sure hope I wont be the complaining lot, a lot of the time.

Its you

2009-05-29T14:10:00.000-07:00

Its June, Summers are here! We would've got vacations in school this time of the year - its the time for knee scrapes, bicycles and for us 'aged', the Summer romance!

The mood has gotten to me too!

An empty street, an an empty house..

Oh ok not that Westlife number, lets see if I can come up wid something more original!

******

This is for YOU, you know who you are... and i just wanna say thanks. Just for being you, and for being there - thank you. Ahem! ok here it goes.

This sensation I have

like being born afresh,

It’s like a misty whiff that stays

Lingering on and on…

And now I can say

Its there since...

that time I looked up from life,

All teary eyed,

only to see… You come down my way!

Life is still a mystery

I’m still finding my way

Its still a pain, but a sweet pain

But Its not a chore to

Get up every morning

To face another day

That’s the difference YOU made!

And something inside me says

Unlike others who -

When I showed my true self

Not always dressed up

Not a nice girl

Just being cranky, or plain lazy

When I showed the real me

They… didn’t hesitate

To smirk, frown

Then walk away…

No that wont be you

Couldn’t be you

I know,

Youll be here to stay.

The songs are all meant for us?

Its us they wrote in the books of!

I think, I wonder

My lips curve into a grin,

To someone sane, it may be nothin’

But I am not, I haven’t been!

Since In your arms first I lay. ..

And That’s where I wanna be

Every night, every day.

A day to remember?... I'd much rather not!

2009-05-28T05:06:00.000-07:00

I dug into my computer for a few pics and instead found a few Old write-ups ( as I've put it).Write-ups that I shared with the intranet online forum of my company but not the blog even though I had one at that time – the reason beats me! You will find them below and maybe some more shall be coming outta the closet sometime soon.

So we shall judge how much n just when I started worsening :)

Talking of that, well so much me staying out of trouble, I got into a situation again this week, that too at work. (why me, god … why!) So much so that my senior manager hadn’t ever in his 14 yrs in this line of work seen something quite like this!

I had been assigned a new desk at work where the moment I turned on the comp, instead of getting turned on it started Whining and wailing - on top of its lungs, I would’ve said, if it had any. Obviously I turned the power off and on the counsel of a Technical Infra Engineer (TIM for short) I reported a HDD corrupt (hard disk drive, in case u didn’t catch on) complaint. The TIM guys somehow rechecked d comp or something and escalated the whole thing to a HDD stolen security incident, that too in my name!

Well there came the security and the head of Facility Management, with mails to and fro of the very top management… a gr8 ruckus was created. On inspection however it was deduced that the HDD

Was very much present, though unattached or the RAM was loosely fixed or something! And the whole thing boiled down to ‘me’… I had nowhere to hide.

Well somehow I got out of trouble explaining the whole thing, how I didn’t really escalate the issue. But it was close. Plus it was one of those sleek CPUs I had not worked with earlier… but no doubt they must be thinking, what an IT person! Doesn’t know about HDDs?? And the TIM guy who wisely counseled me is getting some wise counsel from the top bosses himself. I wish I could help that, but…

And ya did I mention the police had been called to lodge an FIR?

Icing on the cake K

So much for this weeks update on my “much” happening life. Things happen, only quite in the wrong lane. Gimme a boring one, any day in exchange for such excitement!

The Four Seasons, Pune - A review ( old writeup -3)

2009-05-26T21:51:00.001-07:00

(Ok this the is for today, maybe i will dig in more some other time!)

Usually I am not the one penning reviews on restaurants and such stuff. But this time around I was really drawn towards this nice lil quite restaurant on Karve road where I happened to spend a number of occasions that figured prominently in my life. Not going into details about that, let me just say that even thought I initially went to Four Seasons just because of its proximity to my place, I have come to like the place so much that I think it is definitely worth a mention.

First, the location. Usually us, Karve nagar – Kothrud crowd, are used to driving down to Camp, KP or the likes for a nice, quiet meal. But the Four Seasons is the answer to just that. Located on right next to Karishma society, bang opposite the IDBI ATM, the restaurant provides the joy of a good eatery with the ease of being in your vicinity. When I went in at first, I was apprehensive whether the restaurant can live up to the name derived from New York Four Seasons! Well lets just say you will get to know as I describe my impressions of it.

Now- the ambience. When you enter, you walk upon a wooden bridge with a blue stream of water underneath it that harbors live fishes in it. There are tables on both sides, wooden and dark brown. There is ample foliage of greens surrounding the sit out area and the lighting is dim and soft to give it a soothing, romantic glow. I know these are of little interest to a guy, but being a female you are bound to notice all these details. Well for the men folk, the area I just described was the Smoking area. The main restaurant inside that has the bar doesn’t allow smoking.

Inside the main sitting area, there is a TV on low volume, thank god! However its for the few occasions as matches etc when you cant miss a single ball, or else the guys just wont get out of the house. There’s a bar with ample liquor and soft drinks to cater for your needs. But watch out, the highlight of the room is the roof that changes colors every few seconds. If you haven’t guessed till now, it changes to the color of the four seasons that sets the mood of the hall. Inside too, the furnishings are immaculate, comfortable and luxurious.

That’s that about the décor, lets get down to the basics – the menu.

You are served two menus at once, the main menu and another for the sea food cuisine. There's an amazing variety of starters, even veg. ones. You just have to try the platters – be it veg. or non-veg. You get a host of starters in a platter giving you amazing value for money. Drinks again, are priced ok, compared to the other pubs and cheap if compared to high end restaurants. As I mentioned before, smoking isn’t allowed inside the hall. And the food is too good! I tried prawns and chicken handi, it was “finger lickin’ good” to quote a cliché. In veg the fare is usual Indian – paneer and the likes. But a guaranteed treat for the sea foodies, and non-veg. crowd.

All this yum food is no good if the service isn’t prompt. And it is. The service is “impeccable” to quote a friend. The courses ordered were timed perfectly and we did not have to ask twice for anything (which is a relief). Everyone's glass was ensured to be refilled when needed, and lastly, the bill arrived only when every one was finished ( a practice fast diminishing.) and no one asks you to leave or make way for other guests, even though there is a waiting.

This restaurant is relatively unknown outside of Kothrud crowds, and has a small seating capacity. But that is where the charm of it lies I guess. So the next time you want a quiet evening with family or friends in the vicinity of your home with no loud music blaring, this is the place for you. However reading this review if crowds flock there in huge numbers, please don’t blame me!

In Pursuit of happiness (Old writeup-2)

2009-05-26T21:49:00.000-07:00

“Congratulations… You must be so happy!"

‘Happy? Yeah sure, in fact I am dreading breaking the news to my family.’ She thought.

With work pressure and odd hours, most of the time she successfully avoided treading into sensitive issues with her family over the phone. Days passed before she gave them a call at all. But with her promotion and the new, more comfortable salary, she could literally envision what her mother would have to say to her… and she cringed at the thought of it. ‘ enough of this Career – shareer business, haan! Now you have it all beta, a good job, and comfortable salary, every thing you asked us time for, right? Come home now … come look at all the prospective grooms we have lined up for you? They are all nice, from educated families like ours. Maybe your age… no problem, most wouldn’t mind, I just know! Just come and see, rest we can fix up.’ her mother’s voice trailed in her head.

“Anjali! This is great news, isn’t it?” She was jolted out of her thoughts. ‘yes, well thanks’ she muttered, more to herself than to her team members who had come across the bay especially to congratulate her. Quickly she hurried out on the pretext of coffee from the vending machine. Actually all she needed was some alone time. Cupping the coffee in her hands she came back to her cubicle and sat back, staring into space. All the scenes from the not–so–distant past came rushing to her. A past since then forgotten. A past not worth dwelling into, yet it would always be a part of who she is. And unwillingly, she dwelled onto the memories that haunted her for the past 6 years…

“Anju! Are you ready? They are all waiting downstairs…” her mother’s voice echoed down the corridor to her room. “Ah! Here you are, how pretty you look, your dad will be so proud”. “he’d better be, I am just doing this for him” she said cheekily to her. Anjali’s mother feigned horror “don’t say that! I know you would have never said yes to this proposal if you hadn’t approved of Tarun”. And Anjali blushed. Yes it was true - a few months ago, marriage was the last thing on her mind. Just completing her BCA she was on her way to filling forms for MCA, and a promising software industry career awaited her. But on hearing of her MCA plans, her father had put his foot down. “No, she has studied enough, and it is our duty at her age for us to get her married. Then I can retire in peace.”

Anjali cried and pleaded with her father, but to no avail. “you can always study if your in-laws allow it “ her mother said “ it is the right thing to do , beta. At least say you will meet the family coming over to see you this Friday.” Reluctantly she agreed, but she had made up her mind to reject the guy on the spot. After all, they wouldn’t marry her off without her consent and once continued to reject the guys she met they would have no choice other than let her study. It was with these thoughts in mind she had met Tarun. And she admitted later to her friends, she was blown away. A senior manager in an MNC, Tarun was undoubtedly an eligible bachelor, to say the least.

Anjali was amazed how in this day and age a boy like Tarun has agreed to an arranged marriage. But he seemed shy, well mannered and intelligent as they got to speak. And soon it was all fixed. They met, chaperoned, during their brief engagement. And as they spoke, for a few minutes almost everyday, Anjali longed to get to know her prospective groom more. Soon the day came when the baraat was outside and she was supposed to go out for jaimala. Soon the rest of the ceremony passed in a haze. Anjali kept doing what elders instructed her to do, and before she knew it, she was married! After bidding her a teary farewell, her parents looked on as she was whisked away in a car to her in-laws home, across town. That’s when her life changed forever.

How idyllic they were, the first few days of married life. Tarun doted on her, her in-laws treated her like an own daughter. She had happily surrendered all her jewelry to her mother in-law and tried her hands in the kitchen, did her best to please her busy husband. Now that she looked back upon it, she never knew when things started to change. Maybe when she asked if she could study again, he had slapped her on the face, she was too shocked to react then. Later she looked on it as a freak incident and forgot.

Tarun would pester her for money for a new business. He would hit her if she declined. Her in-laws looked on, never saying a word, even if they witnessed her daily harassment. He started coming in drunk at night, and even burning her skin with cigarette butts if he got more agitated. She spoke nothing of all this to her parents. She hoped, and prayed.

One day she came across a petition addressed to Tarun hidden in a corner of his study. That’s when it all started to unfold. The drunken-ness, abuse and the man behind it all. She was never told of him being married briefly before, of being in rehab for violent behavior. He had a case of assault pending in the court which he was trying to be let out of by bribing the courts. That’s what he needed money for, it struck Anjali. Then, she felt tired. She had no energy for confrontations. She felt betrayed as she never had, before. Her in-laws knew all along what they are pushing her into, and her husband, whom she had given up her own life for, was a cheat, an alcoholic, and a woman abuser. She was over-whelmed with all this, left drained by the enormity of it all. Then she just took a suitcase, and left.

At home, at first she said nothing. As days passed her mother asked her what happened. Then it all came pouring out. Rest of her days just went by in a daze. She was aware of her parents being agitated by the condition of their daughter, and she knew that they had refused reconciliation and taken the matter to court – she knew only because she had signed a few papers. She cried all the time now, or gazed into an empty space, not speaking and barely eating. Finally on insistence from her mother, Anjali was sent to her Maasi, in Mumbai for a change of scene and for continuing her studies there, if she liked.

At first she was hesitant, even to step out of the house. But then she drew on her old strength, and ventured out occasionally. Soon enough, she joined her MCA course, and studied laboriously. She went for classes, came back , ate – studied – slept. She did not attempt making friends, or hanging out with them. It was no wonder she came out at the top of her class, and everyone at home was ecstatic. Inside, she wasn’t healed yet. She knew divorce proceedings were going fine and soon she would be free, of Tarun, of the taboo that refused to follow her wherever she went – or would she ever be free, really?

At the end of her two years, she had graduated with honors, and first in her college. Around the same time the news had come in that she was now – officially single.

Immediately an MNC had absorbed her as a Software Engineer. Her resolve to work had only strengthened when she heard her family and relatives talking of remarriage. No one really understood her. Whatever friends she had were left far behind, at home. She was far too different from the bubbly, happy Anjali they knew. In Mumbai, she hadn’t made a friend yet. She wasn’t here to make friends, but gain bits and pieces of the old life that could have been. She wanted badly to be the Anjali that was, to achieve what she dreamt of. The talks at home about remarriage, only added fuel to fire. She worked hard, and had rare visits home on occasions when other relatives were bound to visit. Phone calls home were limited, and when her mother gathered up the courage to talk to her about marriage, she just found ways to diverge the topic, and quickly put the phone down.

Today, when she had finally got her hard earned promotion, she had no one in the world to share it with. Not even her own family. Some people said it was rare for girls to be a Team leader, let alone in less than 3 years of experience.

To be honest she had felt a small glow – of hard work being paid. This was the beginning of the life she had once yearned for, of independence and self – reliance. These things were the most important to her now. It is not like she did not have a life. Yes she liked to work hard, but recently she had started to participate in team outings and making a few friends. She was still a bit wary of men, yet she made an effort. It took quite an effort trying to fit into the Anjali she was years ago… And to think, she thought as she settled back onto her chair in her cube - people in her office thought she had it all. Hah! I have everything one wants, not needs. I am yet to achieve that, and don’t even know what my destination is and if I will ever get there… It was with these thoughts that Anjali picked up her mobile, that quietly buzzed with “Home” displaying on the screen.

“hi ma!” Anjali said.

“hello Anju, so did you get it?” came the voice at the other end.

Anjali drew a deep breath. “yes”.

“Oh good good” her mother said.

“That’s all ma? I thought you could be a little more happy” she chided along.

“You know that’s not what we want for you. if you are happy with it, we are happy. But all we want is to see you settled soon”.

“Not again ma” Anjali said, even though she knew it was coming.

“Anjali, I am your mother, and all I want is for you to come home and meet some boys from nice homes. We are trying what is best for you, these boys are nice and have no problems with your divorce. They are a bit older than you but what else can you expect with what… anyways we would never try to fix you up with a man with a child, but are issueless divorcees okay? I mean there are some really nice boys who…”

“No” said Anjali.

“as I was.. What?” her mother said.

“No ma, it is not ok anymore for you to fix me up- with a single man, a divorcee, or anyone for that matter. It is not ok. Please Ma, understand. I am old enough to know what is best, and I know this isn’t what I want. I want to breathe free ma, for once in my life. I want to live for me, not for someone else. I tried it, for your sake, and look where It got me. I am not saying its your fault. But now, I want to make my own decisions. I don’t want to be in tatters next time I left alone because my existence depended on someone else. Please tell me you accept me as I am now”.

“Are you telling me you will never get married again Anju? That you will spend the rest of your life alone?” her mother said.

“No ma, I am not saying that. I am saying, I do not know where life will take me - because I have recently started living it. But please do not force me to marry, because I want to explore life beyond it. I’ve recently gathered pieces of my life and I am still learning to live after what happened. Maybe one day I will be ready, but that day is not today. Ok ?” Anjali said and quietly hung up, satisfied. Yes she had hurt her mother but what she had said was pent up for along time. For a long while she had just listened. But now that she had said her mind, she felt oddly relieved. And hopeful, that maybe not today, but one day her sweet mum will accept her wishes and understand. And finally, the issue that had caused a rift between her parents and her would be finally, resolved.

Today she had it all, yet nothing at all. She had a flat to live, not a home to go back to- All that was still to come. But first she had to build bridges with herself, start to like her own self for who she is. She knew that. Work had slowly egged her onto meeting people. That was a start. There was still time for the rest. Maybe one day, she may even be ready to accept love. It all seemed too far to her now. But she was willing to give life a shot. This pursuit of happiness may not lead her anywhere, but she was willing to try.

I have a dream (Old writeup-1)

2009-05-26T21:43:00.000-07:00

Hey!
I am just gonna put up a few ol' writeups i wrote n forgot to post here...
those who've read'em pls bear wid it :)
here goes

I have a dream
On my Mp3 player, yes.. my mp3 player- in this age of music phones, apple ipods, played this song by Westlife. “ I had a dream, a fantasy..”. Sitting in the bus on my way home I wondered, yeah I have just fantasized all my life, of things grand and places exotic. Of the ONE, a dark, tall & handsome man, my knight in shining armor. I laid back and reveled in the thought my being in the centre of this grand scheme of things, in outlandish places far, far away with THE ONE. The images flashed by as if in a book… taking me up, up and away… far from the not so stimulating real me and my mundane life.

“Hi, may I sit here?” came a voice out of nowhere. “Huh?!” I woke up from my reverie. ‘Oh no!’ I thought, ‘am I still dreaming, why him of all people’ that was HIM! The guy I have been secretly longing for, for ages! Ok so, 8 months. Long enough for one sided affection, or so say my gal pals. ‘the worst kept secret in office’ they joke, much to my annoyance. Stepping out of my daze I say “hi…yeah... umm...he he” I smile. Yup, you got it- that was the tongue tied me. I smiled yes, but inwardly I could kill myself -‘what is it with you!’.

Then I got angry on him, for no apparent reason. ‘now people can't even doze in peace!’ I looked behind; I saw nearly the whole bus was empty. ‘So why me?’ I fumed. Many a times, I had seen him smiling at me, while I was in the pantry for coffee or being teased by my girlfriends about him… so did he know? I wondered. No other reason for him to sit beside me, or is there? ‘oh shut up’ I said to myself. So I spent the rest of the journey uncomfortably conscious, of him, my clothes, my hair... wonder if he noticed I blushed every time our eyes met and he smiled (‘just out of politeness, just good manners’ I tell myself).

Finally the ordeal got over and I was relieved (or was i?) when I got off the bus. On my way home I kept reliving the moments of my recent encounter in the bus, and I was flooded with memories from the past…

We first met (or rather I SAW him) on the first day of our training. I needed help with the amount of books I got from the library, and a couple fell off just as I tried to balance it all in my two hands. Then there he was, all kindness, helping me pick them up. I saw him, and I couldn’t tear my eyes away. Somehow I managed to say “Thanks” and moved on…I know how that sounds… but that’s true guys, I mean can’t we gals have our share of fantasies and crushes too?? Then on, we’d train together, and occasionally our eyes would meet and we’d smile at each other, and I would be flushed with shame every time that happened.

Somehow I got the notion he knows that I fancy him and I saw mischief in his smile, but that never stopped me from stealing glances at him from time to time and inwardly, hoping. Once training finished and we started work on our projects, I would see him less often. We were in different projects but in the same building (‘thank god!’). but those rare smiles became rarer, and we never actually talked. Until today, if you can call that a conversation. But the fact that I thought he was mocking me never left me every time I saw him.

I had lost whatever hopes I had in me during training, especially when the so-called-cutest gal in the batch would go trotting up to him, feigning to be lost somewhere in the assignment sheet… oh! And my blood would boil! Not that I had something against her though! But today…the only thought that gripped me was- what if he was not mocking me? Could we be friends after all? I mean he sat next to me in an empty bus didn’t he? Now that’s something, right?

Oh there it is, the door to my apartment… and I broke out of my trance, dashing back into the present fumbling for my keys and it started to rain. “blast!” I rushed in my small 1 room flat, stood in front of the mirror. ‘just look at you , what a mess you are!’ and then the realization hit me, and I smiled. I mean what guy would want ME, let alone Mr. greek god of my office? Then I my grin grew wider and wider till I burst out laughing… I fell onto my small cramped bed, and laughed out till there were tears streaming out of my eyes, and I cried- of pain… of the past and the present, and the not so promising future.

I shook and lay there till I had some semblance of normalcy again… thoughts came rushing to me from my childhood until now. The quite girl in class- few friends, always dreaming… of palaces, princes & the seas. And all those books, that made my thoughts reach further out than I could, only made it worse I think. What have I done to fulfill them, other than harbor unrequited ambitions? And this guy… he is so so far out of reach! Me, always a mix of the past and the present, I am always a bit out of date, a bit behind times. I have my snails pace of things, and he is… so today, so tech savvy and IN. me, I have my old hairstyle form school, my VGA camera phone, and yes, my MP3 player. We are like.. poles apart. End of story. That’s it.

I am still talking to myself (ya, I forgot about that nerdy bit in me) when the phone rings. “ughh” I think ‘ I am so not in the mood for this now, leave me alone, world!’ hesitatingly I see the clock.. ‘what it cant be nine already!’ I had just spent last couple of hours wailing and consoling myself… what about fixing dinner? What about… And the phone rang on. “ hello?” I said “you have no idea what just happened!!” said the voice at the other end. That was Priya, my closest friend today and colleague too. Really irritated as I was, I said” yes Priya, tell me”. She said “ guess who I talked to right now.. Mr. Greek God!” And I thought, ‘ya so what? He talks to you occasionally.. infact he talks to everyone… but me’. So I said in my most feeble voice “ Really, and?” priya said “ cant you sound more morose than that? Anyways my news cant wait… guess what? He asked for your number!”

“what !?” I said… I mean how can that be.. I had just told myself that…

She went on “and that’s not it… He said he has been trying to talk to me for days but didn’t know how to start it off, about you. He said he has always wanted to talk to you since the first day you met. He thinks you’re a shy simple gal… almost too shy. Whenever he tried talking to you, you rushed away. He’s been feeling so discouraged!” I could do no more than to listen. She kept talking “and all this time… we thought! I mean I really thinks he likes you, he sounded so sad! I told him you were shy and that’s it. But he asked me if you would talk to him if he calls… I said of course you would, Right? Hello? Hello? ” “ya …yes … I…” I said. I didn’t know what to say! But priya went on to say “ hey I am so happy! he may call any minute. Tell me what happened ok? I better not keep your phone busy! Ha ha”

“hey! Come on! Bye” I said.

“ bye! But I am still waiting…” she said and hung up.

‘So he was tying to get my number huh? And in the process he barred his soul to Priya. even he must’ve had lots pent up inside of him-just like me. Is it really possible or am I still in a daze?’ I wondered happily…amazing isn’t it how life can change in a matter of a few moments? I mean just moments ago I was wondering about the course of my life and now, who knows, what life holds for me? ‘wonder why he isn’t calling yet?’ I thought impatiently, because there was nothing I could do but wait, it was getting impossible so I turned on my ol’ mp3 player, and the unfinished song played on- you know “ I have a dream”?

So I nestled back against the pillows and closed my eyes… and a million things flooded my mind, while my heart was leaping with joy! I dreamily elapsed into thoughts of Him and Me, Us, what we would talk about (‘when we do that is… When will he call?? Will he??’) , you know what I am like right? But yes, now I do think my dreams aren’t futile bits of imagination. I have hope, and a reason to live for and that is to live to see my dreams come true! So while I wait for THE CALL and spin the web of my imagination, here are the lyrics of the song that I really believe in, for all the dreamers, misunderstood by everyone.

I have a dream, a song to sing

To help me cope with anything

If you see the wonder of a fairy tale

You can take the future even if you fail

I believe in angels

Something good in everything I see

I believe in angels

When I know the time is right for me

I'll cross the stream - I have a dream

I have a dream, a fantasy

To help me through reality

And my destination makes it worth the while

Pushing through the darkness still another mile

I believe in angels

Something good in everything I see

I believe in angels

When I know the time is right for me

I'll cross the stream - I have a dream

I have a dream, a song to sing

To help me cope with anything

If you see the wonder of a fairy tale

You can take the future even if you fail

I believe in angels

Something good in everything I see

I believe in angels

When I know the time is right for me

I'll cross the stream - I have a dream

I'll cross the stream - I have a dream

The Writers License

2009-05-25T06:16:00.000-07:00

The first few lines stay unwritten
On the monitor,
Blinking for hours…
To remind me of a story, fragmentary
That I had written of the stars…

Then there was always something else to do,
Somewhere to go, someplace to reach.
I never quite finished that story o’mine
That story I’d seen one night in my dreams,
as days went by,
In my minds eye… it wrinkled with time.

Then one night when I had run out of things to do
When I no longer had anywhere to go,
All I had was me around
With nothing for it to show.
I wept of all the dreams unfulfilled
Of the empty lives we led
Then I was remembered that one story
The one I had meant to write -
Of all my dreams it said.

I stared at it for ages I wished to write,
oh how I wished!
The words did come to me
They were empty of passion… Just as one writes fiction,
It stared back at me, mocking
Then I comprehended
This wasn’t the ME I became now,
The dreams I had when I first started
Had all but ended.

P.S.: Why writers license, u ask? Cos I can write any bull I want in here ;)

Girl - Talk time

2009-05-22T23:41:00.000-07:00

What a thing to do!

I have never ever stooped so low yet.

I never even considered the remote possibility of ME doing this thing – to myself.

I basically violated whatever woman rights I had ever been for.No excuses – I hated the women who did this and today it’s me.

These days I am not me. Now I am ashamed of over-grooming myself, much less carry a comb and a gloss to the ladies room in front of the GUYS in office. I actually hid all day in a Folder to carry to the ladies room. I have never done that! As if carrying a folder to the ladies room is less conspicuous. Hah!

I guess combing in my cube (whenever required, maybe 1ce a week) I considered my birthright, and I proudly carried a lil tote filled with my makeup things to the restroom to wash up post lunch or something - also having a girlfriend who concurred, helped. I always had that kinda bold gal company till now.

Now I don’t. And all around me are boys all ready to sneer and grin if they catch hold of the tote, I am sure. So I don’t know when but I stopped the combing part altogether, washing up mid-day only when really necessary, and the gloss and kaajal are having less frequent outings!Where are you my gal frens! I don wanna end up a TOMBOY again, a phase that took what – 10 yrs to go away!Ok I agree stilettos aren’t practical, skirts aren’t allowed. But I love my makeup tote’s magic powers!

I got sick a while ago and had visitors at home come to see me. All my mum could say looking at the bunch was “where are the girls, beta?” and I told her how rare it is to HAVE a girl in your project, much less being friendly with her. Other than that there isn’t much time to socialize, is there? And oh I miss my girlfriends from college and more recently, the one girl I made friends with while in training for my firm, the only one since then. This is for you girls, jus to let you know we may not call each day – or be busy with jobs n boyfriends or whatever but there is no one quiet like you all, and no talk like girl talk is there? ;)

Saturday, weekend ? nope, working!

2009-05-09T12:49:00.000-07:00

Yes yes well I've been cribbing about this.
Today i worked, I actually HAD to go work on a Saturday, and its killing me. Also the morose environment didn't help. But what am I cribbing about? It WAS a compensatory working day - I got an off on election day didn't I?
I think about that and I cringe. It was a day wasted to me and thousands of people out there like me who apparently have a PERFECTLY Valid excuse not-to-vote. Just because it ain't compulsory.

"Main vote nahi kar rahi thi, KYUNKI main so rahi thi" lolz!
Not so much on the day itself, but prior to that when i had to get my house registration done which is a prerequisite for a voter's ID (as a residential proof, ofcourse) and then not getting around to getting an ID at all - with all the excuses of crowdedness, no-time... the bottom line being that, yes I was shrugging off my responsibility as a citizen and I ashamedly admit.

I see the Blue ink mark on my manager's (middle..heehaw) finger and i look away. And i know it isnt ok to just feel bad, doing something about the whole thing means something - as they keep howling on TV. Cliche, i know.
Oh ya! and today someone told me I, yes me, inspired him to blog.
The most uninspired person on this side of the continent! hah!

I wish my inspirations would strike ME more often. Life wud be lot more interesting, wudnt it? and in this case, less guilt-ridden of if-only's.
Hmmph.

general bull... n some more

2009-05-01T12:07:00.000-07:00

Ok so Pay-cut time!
Got it confirmed yesterday. N yaah, came out as no surprise to me, but 2.5 grand every month?? Talk of a lousy start.
But yes, I on one hand I would readily give that up in exchange for d jobs of some people, who are - lets say unproductive at this time. (Me)
But the kinda reactions i gauged from other "Valuable Resources" were extreme! 'why shud we suffer for a bunch of @$**((%#' kinda reactions. eww!
So much for empathy! It sounds cliched but Hello! 'It cud happen to you'????

Also I started my holiday (labor day in India today for us labors, yippee!) wid a farewell, and a separation of 2 weeks :( that also made me think how much we think ourselves independent, yet end up relying on people for so much of our life functions. Mom for breakfast, Dad for reserves, 1 special person to do night-time talking to, 1 dependable guy in d group, your brother you can always go to for help, can u think of more??

What else, whenever i feel down n out about d human race (read office jerks i wrote of above), something that reaffirms my faith happens. OK so i have said that before (in 'Perspective', remember) but its true!
Today two people whom i hardly know helped me out SO much... i wont be stating what or why for obvious reasons - personal and for their anonymity (lolz.. really!) but It made me question myself (again) if the world really is that selfish and more importantly, if "I" am that forthcoming and selfless.
Questions! Questions!
No end to them, is there?

The eyes have it...

2009-04-29T12:38:00.000-07:00

Those eyes… he could think nothing else other than those eyes that had haunted his very existence since he had first lain his eyes upon her.

Vinod is in his usual place that day, even though he knew it to be Sunday. He has no reason to be waiting for her today, there was almost no chance she would be going down this route on a holiday. Yet he took his chances for the odd likelihood that she may pass this road on her way to somewhere as he had done for the past 2-3 odd months he had first seen her. Actually he has never even seen her, just glimpsed at her eyes. And they had grabbed his heart as he had not known yet.

That day in November when he had first ‘seen’ her, Vinod had been hard at study at his table near the window in his room. The window faced a by-lane that connected to the main road that many people took as a shortcut on the way to their homes, much to Vinod’s annoyance. He was hard at work for his 12^th std. board exams, due in March.

Suddenly a giggling group of ‘young ladies’ stood near his window and started to laugh afresh on one joke or the other… these ‘silly girls’ as he had termed them, irritated him he most of all the pedestrians that had upset his focus. He looked up irritatingly from his books and downstairs towards the group, only to find most had strolled away but one girl who was staring animatedly upwards. One look at her - as they say - and he had no defense against the charm of her eyes. In all of his 17 years he hadn’t ever experienced anything quite like it… he traced her sight only to find she was looking up at a stray kite and smiling. This he knew because of the way her eyes wrinkled, something he had come to love since then. Then she looked away, and then finally went her way. But Vinod stood transfixed still thinking of that pair of eyes that had driven him crazy in an instant. Of course there had been crushes, but this was… something else. Now why just the eyes, you ask. Well that was the only visible part of her anatomy, thanks to the trend of scarves, gloves and sun-coats among girls, much to most guys chagrin!

Vinod found himself drawn to his window everyday that day on… and inevitably she would be there, except on Sundays and other holidays. Probably she had her tuitions, Vinod deduced. Now more than 2 months, he has revolved his schedule around her presence and no progress had been made, literally. Neither has he gotten around to talking to her or even gotten to know her name, nor are his studies progressing. He has had to hide his pre-board results because of the ‘poor-show’ as his teacher put it.

He tries, but can’t get his mind over her and concentrate. And here he is again, by the window at the stipulated time on a Sunday even though the chances of her showing up were next to none. And every single day he wished to see her face, if only once.

Vinod spends most part of the hour reminiscing all the days he had seen her, what he would say to her if he did talk to her, ever. He kept thinking up names for her and was generally staring into oblivion when he saw her coming around the far corner… with a pair of adults.

There she was, his sweetheart. She was walking with the darned scarf on, oblivious to him as usual. And sometimes he had imagined she had smiled at him while she could have just been looking at empty space.

The adults, probably her parents, continued walking towards his house and instead of walking off straight, they stopped and he could hear them asking for directions. Good, a couple of extra seconds of staring. And then someone pointed at his house His house?

Oh my god, had she actually seen him? Had she complained? His parents did seem vaguely familiar… there they were walking up to his door. He quickly goes upto his study table and pretends to be buried in his studies.

“Vinod, come outside for an instant” his mother bellowed.

‘To hell with it, I will deny the whole thing’ he mutters before setting out.

There she stood, between her parents and slowly but surely, taking off the scarf.

The darn, blasted scarf he had hated so long.

If this showdown meant he gets to see her face, so be it, he thinks.

And then she turns, slowly. She was beautiful… but he had seen her somewhere he thinks. Then it hits him.

“Oh my god!” his legs buckle under him “Kalpana!”

She was his cousin. No doubt distant… but a sister? Her? Of all the girls…

His head swirls as he tries to take that in.

In the background he can hear his uncle asking her mother to come over for their griha – pravesh, how long it had been since they moved to another part of the city. Now that they were closer, promises were being made of being in touch…

He says his hellos, and excuses - himself citing exams of course, retreating back to his room. Inspite of himself, he shakes his head at the stupidity and coincidence of it all. He grins.

‘Might as well study’ he thinks.

After all not much deters you when you’re 17 and the world is yours to take. Except maybe the Board exams.

Mondays.. zzz

2009-04-27T11:19:00.000-07:00

Well the day definitely started with a BANGG!
I was all sleepy, rushing to office trying to make it at 9.30, you get the idea.
Well i was gettin out of d parkin lot and i had my tiffin and water bottle in a sack. In case you ppl are wondering i am still stuck in the school girl phase... in true phantom style lemme state - FOR THOSE WHO CAME IN LATE: i had a bout of typhoid and traces of jaundice, hence no outside food/water for me.
So basically i am sleep walking to the elevators, and i hit a car with my sack, by mistake ofcourse. Then, it happens to be the Only car in the bloody parking lot to have a theft sensor alarm... or whatever it is those things are called. Now how common is that in India yet?

So it goed (went in my dictionary in case u didnt know, again!) "whoooaaaaa.. " for a whole hour after that, so I did my best to walk out of there as dignifiably as i could - easier said than done - and duck in my chair till it was dealt with. Phew!
Hey thats that, i was wondering why i havent gotten into a terribly embarassing situation in a while, so there we go.
A thought struck me today while reading The Reader, by Bernhard Schlink. Its all about a guy falling in love with a person 20 years his senior.
In the movie its Kate Winslet who is portaying that older woman, Hannah. Somehow when i read the book, I just couldnt picture Kate as Hannah in my minds eye, just seemed wrong. I know shes a fine actress and all that, the Oscars a testimony to that but... I wonder if i am the only person who does that whole minds-eye picturisation of the characters in a book. Like Tom Hanks was the last person i imagined as Robert Langdon in The DaVinci Code. That somehow dampened the whole movie experience to me, apparently the movie not doing so well means that some others out there feel that way too. :)
And i havent been reading in so long! I hardly know what all is new in the literary world! My excuse is all my fav authors have died/given up writing.Lame, huh? But i have no touch, truth be told. Well I do wish there was an all updated person i could consult and borrow from, till then its NY Times bestsellers lists, and RapidShare all the way for free, tiresome ebooks...
Yawn! Well time to slip into bed.... Gnite,tah ta!

Just another day in lifes tumultous journey

2009-04-24T09:06:00.000-07:00

Life has its own ways to get back at you. One moment you’re flying high and think nothing will ever go wrong today of all days. And one day no matter how much you try, everything you bet on goes in a state of disarray, nothing at all seems right.
It was a sunny day, glorious as any other, today. Yet for no reason I felt as if things won’t turn out as bright today as I had hoped last night for the day ahead (it’s a habit I haveJ) I stayed in from work, work is slow by the way – you know why. There were arguments at home for no reason. Of course in line with the general mood of the day I am unwilling to apologize (why me always I think!). Stupid, really. But that’s what it means getting out of the wrong side of the bed I guess.
Then a work mail comes in (I keep checking recurrently) that declares a cancellation of bulk variable payout for the year, meaning I get 1/5th of the amount I was supposed to. I had plans for that dough L God damn slowdown - Ugh! Wow that feels like the whole world is out to get me… but then I think it isn’t about me but 25000 others too, in my firm at least. I chuckle.
Ma Mood lifts up slightly and then I hear my cell ringing. I pickup seeing the name someone who means the world to me, my friend, mentor, guide – you get the idea.
“Hello!” I chirp in my most bright voice that I can muster up.
“What in the hells name were you thinking…?”
Oh no… here we go again...

Chai Paani customs.

2009-04-21T02:52:00.000-07:00

What with the advent of IT, Globalization, etc etc (and all those BIG words we hear all about.. frankly I don't have any idea why they get tossed about so much), many a new professions have thrived as a result (read Baayis, brokers and every one else you could think of who basically is out to suck the life-blood of unsuspecting, poor IT community) while some may just have diminished to the extent of being small enough to be considered an irrelevant minority. I am thinking of 1 group in particular, the ‘Chai – paani Saab!’ people or the once supreme - Office boys/ Chapraasis.

I remember walking over to some government office or another tagging along with my dad and watching these guys in action. Their forever alert ears were always keen onto some new “party” to get their Chai-paani. Be it some new file to be passed along, or an old one to be pushed along, or just a rendezvous with the officer in question, they were
forever ready to ‘help’. In between departments there was always a Shambhu bhaiya to pass a file, or an important document along. You couldn’t imagine an office without its backbone, the office boys!

In today’s the current global working environments that we all are exposed to, none of this can exist as we have so much technology to make up for it. We have THE MAIL. The manager needs a document? Send a mail. Need to get an approval? Send a mail!
Want to fix a meeting? Send a mail…
Everything is now so electronic we hardly see the faces of the people sharing our cubicle, much less know the names of the people in the next. I wonder amidst so much technology how much human touch have we lost and how much further are we set to lose down this ‘virtual’ road. Yes we may argue regarding less paperwork and lack of red-tape. But where isn’t it there? One thing is for sure, the ever smiling faces of these errand boys we so often have come across in person or at the movies in the past of course, will be a sore sight to miss.

Dilli 6!

2009-03-01T07:52:00.000-08:00

One of the verrry few movies i saw FD itself...
not cos i louve the lead actors or such nonsense. Just cause i miss gud ol dilli... nah not dat either.

I jus went cus my friend Priya had come over from Banglore and we had planned a night at the movies... and it was d only one playing at the time. Another new feat was that I bought the tickets in BLACK!! ( hey is that the right way to put it? anyways i keep tellin myself i wont support the piracy industry and be an honest and upright citizen... well how many of us can put up with that!!)

But interestingly, i liked the movie. The bylanes, folk undertones and the general celebration of each bloody moment alive - brought back memories of 'Dilli ki galiyan' as i remember from a childhood left far behind. My Mum's from Delhi, so i revisited all the Nani's shouting and cousins playing about, the lassi from the halvaayi down the lane - everything.

Well initially the point of showing all these unrelated incidents as life is in Old Delhi was lost on me.But as the movie drew to a close i knew that the film wanted to show a fabric called delhi held together by these various colorful threads of life. Yes i admit - i liked it!

But i didnt wanna admit that. I didnt wanna say - hey, it touched me. Because noone else liked it - atleast noone i knew then. And i didnt wanna be labeled as the 'Artsy types'. Weird how many times to confirm to social opinion we lie to ourselves. OK too much self introspection huh! well Here It IS and ive said it - I liked the movie a LOT. There.

Twilight, Night and Dawn

2009-02-25T22:45:00.000-08:00

Twilight
Often did I wonder why the setting sun should look upon us with a blushing face: Isn’t not for shame of what he hath seen done, whilst in our hemisphere he ran his race? -Lyman Heath

She stood fidgeting with her feet in a corner.
“Bata de” memsahib said. “Just tell me and I wont say anything!” her voice defying her words. All her previously made pleas were lost on memsahib. She took one end of her sari and toyed with it – one of the few she had. She had worn her best today for helping at the party at the flat today evening. She had been dazzled by the person, foods, aroma… that is when the phone had gone missing, the one flown in from US.
“tell me NOW, you filth! Or…” memsahib’s voice echoed. And suddenly ‘Whack!’ a huge slap to the side of her face landed her to the ground. she felt the hurt creeping in by the blow, more so because of he dizziness she felt because of running around all day on an empty stomach. She had her eyes closed when she felt her hands being dragged out of the house. ‘Na memsahib! I didn’t!’ she tried for the last time. Wham! The door closed in on her, as she heard the words “don’t know from where these people find me to dupe!”
She walked down the lane to her… well, modest hut in the city’s slum.

Darkness falls
Night is a stealthy, evil Raven, Wrapt to the eyes in his black wings. - Thomas Bailey Aldrich

As she walked down the lane to her… well, modest hut in the city’s slum, she tended to her still aching limbs. Thinking how difficult it will be to find work again, she frowned. Reputation carried fast, amongst the memsahib circle. One more hurdle, she thought, amongst many. Not much distressed her these days, so used to she was, to life’s many challenges.
Yet for the first time in years she would be home for Chandu’s bedtime. Chandu, her only son… the thought brought a crack in the curve of her lips. That was all she could allow herself - A grin lesser than a grin itself.
“Didi, here you are… come fast…. Its Chandu!!” came the wail from Rini. Questions flooded on her face, as on her mind.. but before she could ask Rini explained “ I was going to go to memsahibs house to fetch you, Chandu… he has had an accident. He was coming home from school and… a car, he was crossing the road..” she sobbed and muttered faintly between wails “sarkaari haspataal… money for operason… no bed, on the floor…” and she ran, for her son, as fast as she could.

She sat next to her son on the floor. He was unrecognizable with his bandage laden, swollen frame. There was no one but her to hear his moans, of agony, helplessness…
There was nothing she could do but hold his hand. She tried calling her memsaahibs home, for some money. She had a faint hope they might listen, Chandu may just be saved from a life of being crippled… Jwahar dada, the other servant, had answered. She had heard shouting at the other end, followed by Jwahar dadas voice “ you know these rich people… they think it’s… a ploy for money … but don't worry, it will be ok. I can get hold of some money tomorrow….”

Tommorow. It may just be too late. And how could jwahar dada help whenhe too was a mere servant…
Oh Chandu, her only son. She had raised him inspite of all odds. No one believed she could do it, especially after his dad passed away before Chandu was born. She raised him, sent him to school all on her own… and today, she was helpless to save her son. She had never lost heart before but… tonight!
There was nothing ahead but a long, dark night.

Dawn

The quiet night, now dappling, began to wane, Dividing darkness from the dawning main. - Lord Byron

The night gave way to dawn. Amazing how similar it was to dusk…
Yet so different.
The doctor on early morning rounds had come in. he diagnosed Chandu with concussion and quite a few muscles sprains, nothing more. He had had a lot of blood loss, and had a few nasty bruises, but nothing else much serious. “Lucky boy” said the doctor. “Hah! Lucky” thought his mother.
Rini had come in with Jwahar dada, who had come in with some money, enough to take care of the bills. Memsahib had sent the money. The phone had been found – and she had sent Jwahar dada with the message to come over to work next morning and, ofcourse, the money. Rs 500 - the cost of her dignity and her memsahib’s alternative to an apology…Pitiable - like her poverty. But today of all days, she was willing to give anything up for that sum, as she herself didn’t even have that much to pay for her son’s care.
Once they were leaving the hospital Jwahar dada hesitatingly said “so shall I tell memsahib you shall come to work later today?”
“No!” she said too sharply, her first words since these events unfolded, first sign of agitation showing. She composed herself and said “I mean tell her… I shall be there tomorrow. Today my Chandu needs me. I him am taking home”.
She consoled herself with this little compensation for her pride – the luxury to saying no, even though for a day. That was all she could do, as she was poor. The poor have no conscience, no dignity? She had nearly lost it all within a matter of a few hours, and then regained it all – well almost. What vanished forever was her illusion that she could live a lifetime looking at herself in the mirror in the eye, and ofcourse her self-esteem. she knew she was supposed to be happy everything turned out ok… but her insides revolted at the thought of going to work tomorrow.
That morning was no different from any other, yet it had changed her life as she knew it to be till then.

A Yellow Rose

2009-02-14T00:00:00.000-08:00

“Wait…” he said, breathlessly “I have something for you!”
She smiled, and turned towards him “what is it?”
“A rose, for…”
“For a rose? Cliché!” she said.
“Ouch, that hurt!” he smiled as he drew the stem out from his bag.

“Oh!” she said, her shoulders drooping.
A yellow rose. Yellow for friendship…
But today was valentine’s! She thought today, finally…
She thought, all that was left to be said, would be done today…
She thought… seems like she thought too much, anyway.

I mean who said everyone deserved a love story?
They had been friends forever… it was their parents who thought they should be more.
They were to be engaged, yet the friendship hadn’t changed – or so it seemed.
For her it had changed… forever. And she had hoped it would for him too.

“Nice” she said.
“But you don’t seem very happy” he chided.
“No its… pretty! But what for, I mean we’re friends aren’t we? So why…” she lowered her eyelids, as if almost to hide her real feelings.
“ so who says I am asking for your friendship, I am giving you a promise”
She looked up, her eyes again flickering with hope.

“You know I love you, don’t you? Well, don’t you?”
She shook her head “ you never said…”
“ well, I do, I always will… I thought it was obvious!”
“then why the yellow, why yellow!” the woman in her speaking.

“Because my love for you, it doesn’t need proofs. I am impossibly irrevocably in love with you. But…”
“What?” she said in a small voice.
“its my friendship I promise you. I promise we will always be the best of friends, you wont ever have to think twice about letting your heart out to me. I cant promise you the stars, but you will always be the star of my world. I promise the next step of our relationship, when we transcend to marriage wont change me, the way we laugh together or the respect, the comfort we offer each other. And most of all I promise I will always be there. Not only as a lover but a friend too”

That was the beginning, of a long, long journey that always seemed so short, on hindsight! There were many valentines to follow that one. And the gifts she received then on, were always ones she needed, practical not romantic. Like the time she got a new huge office bag cos she always had to drag along her things in bags to office, when her old purse tore. Whenever the year brought on the time of the year again, when everyone else received flowers, she got a vacuum cleaner. But she never dropped hints, she knew he was always there for her! It always reminded of the time he first professed her love for her, and she smiled.

Perspective (Tentatively titled)

2009-02-12T06:47:00.000-08:00

What with the recent Mumbai attacks ( I know people are already getting bored of the same old discussion all over again, no matter its scale and effect.) the human perception, atleast in India seems to have changed forever. We have all become insecure, hesitant to believe, cynical. I came across a few incidents recently though, that somewhat reinstated my belief in the all important human connection, the human touch. Maybe they won’t strike as life changing to many, yet they touched me in a way I probably won’t be able to explain in mere words. Here I have penned down two of them.

I have a Rajasthan registration scooty. It gets picked up from proper parking on streets and I face unnecessary red tape and even pay off police people on account of an RJ no.( I am also on the lookout always for possible anti-north Indians while I am traveling.)
A couple of days back, I was fuming as I was late for office after the usual tiresome police dodging + driving when I parked my vehicle. I cursed and kicked my scooty as I looked around me for a space to park in. The tiny bit of space I did park in, had a not so unique situation in a huge office space as TechM’s - yet it touched me. One car had a GJ number, another WB, one TN and ofcourse mine.
Gujarat, West Bengal, Tamil Nadu, Rajasthan. Four as distinct corners of India as can be. Working under 1 roof, under whatever circumstances, even drastic conditions, never fearing enough to run away; what with the recent political and social unrest against them. If staying put in such times is not an example of quiet courage and determination, what is? It may sound ludicrous, but then the thought struck me – with such diversity, can a person really plan on cracking down India’s backbone? Uh huh… tough luck mister. The strength of India isn't its hotels, buildings… its d people. WE the people.

The second incident, though trivial, was as follows. After a few days, I had to attend a technical discussion regarding a new project allocation. I was nervous, truth be told. And as soon as my few close friends heard the news, my inbox started flooding! With what, you ask. JAVA FAQ’s, e-books, PPT’s, and what not. From people I barely knew, to the ones I didn’t know at all. I smiled seeing the size and gigantic volumes of new mail in my otherwise not so active mailbox, all with a tag of “all the best” or “hope you clinch it”.
Wow! This was an entirely new experience, especially from a new cynic, me. People willing to help out even to the extent of offering some phone tutoring!
Well that’s that. This sort of reinstated my belief in people, and the impact of a society, the meaning of solidarity, far fetched it may seem.
Now that a look back, I still smile at the fact that following those two and a few other incidents that happened to me during a bleak time in my life, my outlook has changed to a brighter one. I have again started to feed the street urchin (instead of doubting a bigger organized – crime gang!) and started reading again, that too sunny stories with happy endings. I am not waiting for life to pass on; I am thriving in it, living it!

If i do get it.. updated

2008-12-30T09:24:00.000-08:00

hi der..
just an update in case there IS someone who follows this.
i GOT it.
ive been puttin off sayin this, cus of 2 reasons, one, I wanted to be sure first.
you know how i was promised somethin earlier and.. well never mind. 12th dec was when i got to know. Work begins full fledged maybe 5th jan or so... lets see.
Plus the time seemed real weird for me to rejoice a new project. People gettin fired left, right and centre. Ma own Batchmates, juniors! the mantra is " be happy ur employed" and getting a project at this time, real opportune!
Well thats it. I got it. Whether i do really do all the things i resolve to, is for time to tell... i guess.

Without a Goodbye!

2008-12-30T09:13:00.000-08:00

It was on a Sunday morning, the 21st Dec when I heard the news; I was jolted out of my skin. She was one of those who I’d thought would always be around. And now she wasn’t. An image of her floated through my mind, almost real. A bubble started rising up my throat, and I pushed it away. More urgent matters were pressing at the moment -arrangements to be made, things to be attended to.

I got through the day without much thought, rushing through previous commitments. Yet at the end of the day I couldn’t manage taking a leave immediately. Have to wait till next week to know. Disappointment arose, but I knew the situation at work. Pushed aside any other thoughts of her at that moment and resumed the grind of life. At last, at night back from office, I lay down in bed and my sister. She started reminiscing about her… and we inadvertently talked about the time we had spent with her. A friend, teacher and like a caring mother, yet so naïve as a child. We had some beautiful memories weaved with her in time. The long, grey – black hair, the frail gold studded arms and the hands whose cooking we had always relished. The sari always draped traditionally in Bengali style with keys hanging at the end of it. The paan – stained mouth that always had a kind word to say, and sometimes, the yelling we got if we were too naughty - My grandma. Who I called ‘Otham’ lovingly since I was a kid. The most beautiful woman I know. She is not with us today as I write this as she left us for the heavenly abode as her health failed her.

I was left behind with my sister at home as my parents flew out to perform her last rites. Regret filled me that night as we talked, of not always meeting her at night as I came late from office, or not giving her just ‘one more’ paan as the doctor forbid. Of sending her away for a few months as we shifted houses for her health reasons. Of her never seeing the new house we bought with her in mind…and of not talking as often as she wished, blaming on her partial inability to hear over the phone. Even hours ago, i pretended to be untouched by the loss of someone who i loved and openly showed it as a child. ‘Is that what adulthood does to you?’ I wondered. I consoled myself by the fact that maybe I just couldn’t believe she isn't with us..

And finally, the tears ensued. Slowly at first, at more steadily as the memories grew on us. Even as I packed to leave as soon as work permitted, her remains would be long gone. If I had a little time I would tell her how much I loved her, I would let her know how much I liked the ‘dadi’s favorite’ tag that cousins teased me with. But the inescapable truth is, I didn’t have time. Not even for a final Goodbye!

A million things on ma mind, wen thers time of course

2008-11-28T05:17:00.000-08:00

i am wondering what happened. Short posts, short temper.
Ppl have started to notice.
I am wondering if it’s the IT effect. The crunch has got to me now. Ever heard the news on TV abt hurricanes and terrorist acts, or credit crunches and thought, well that’s never gonna be me?
I thought so too and here I am, shocked by yesterdays events at Mumbai and now I got to know my next much awaited project has fallen through. NO DEAL. You know how the market situation is, so no new project – I hear.
I still have responsibilities from my ongoing project. But thanks to Thanksgiving weekend I have time on my hands, and I wander off thinking a lot of stuff. Like why is my attention span so short. Why do I read faster, grasping only what required and leaving no room for imagination and understanding to creep in. What is it now, seems to be my fave response to most ppl. They haven’t bitten me back yet, how long is the issue.
Is it office? Weird hours? What? I had thought nothing could make me go off reading. Hah! I have a blank mind most times when things take longer to process. Not technical details, but lille, humane issues. Mostly I've started being written off as “professional, hard” due to lack of emotion at the right time I think. There's this dullness, and an ache following it. Am I gonna be axed too? What next? And the one I mostly ignored till the very end when cant be avoided, how do I break free? This isn't me, uh huh! So… until next time when I have time on my mind I put these issues on the back burner, hoping for solutions when there are no fixed answers.. until next time it is then…

Mumbai burning!

2008-11-27T02:39:00.000-08:00

How can they, it infuriates me, yet it cripples me
how can we all, a nation of 1 billion+ be so... helpless
where did we go wrong!

The citys burning, and i visited less than a fortnight ago on business.. Man!
i am... speechless. and i..
What a shame!

Hoping it doesnt fire a communal disharmony of some kind. Be strong India,
we r all here for your reinforcement, support.

If I do get it

2008-11-21T03:43:00.000-08:00

An excerpt from my Diary entry:

6th Nov 08
so.. whatever happens IS for the best huh?
i was slowly n not so steadily losing my faith in the IT industry, who wouldnt, if you have a credit- taking, lazy boss and weird hours, and on top of it, youre left behind in the appraisal race.
to top it all of, your juniors are filling in all the new positions and on close of your project " no current openings see your profile fit, yet".
Yes i had a dynamic job with ever changing responsibilities and no fixed hours. i was also least bugged by the fact that all the credit went elsewhere for having perfect, error free code ON TIME.
ok not so perfect yet on time - that was tough believe you me.
But suddenly August brought on surprises. One, my project no longer existed. We had lost it to IBM. Two, my boss decided to give me a C rating. i got a raise, yes. but measly compared to ppl putting in less hours than me and yet being in B1 or B2. i felt like.. %@#$^%$&^.. ughhh!

Anyways so i was out of work for a while and also the apparaisal process left a bitter taste in my mouth. On top of that the swanky Resource management Team put me in a 2nd shift testing project. i did try and tell them I had had enough of the shift business and also i wanted a development project to suite my profile till date. But no awail. They pretty properly 'put me in my place' since i was a 2007 joinee with just 1 yr exp. things went wrong one by one at my workplace and i could do nothing... even other projects i approached shrugged off the issue citing lack of experience, or not responding at all!

So here i was, between projects and feeling unwanted in a way as 2008 joinees were absorbed in projects all around my bay. Temporarily i left everything to fate and that too without complaints - that was tough ya! people did comeup and ask 'Why arent you doing something about it?' and i just quietly nodded my head to nothing in particular.
But then today i got a call from a person saying he had a development opening for me. i shall get to know about it in a couple of hours if i made it. even as i gave my telephonoc interview i tried not to sound too excited when i said 'yes i am intrested in the job profile'.
Its not about testing/dev/support. Its about indivisual choices and opinions that noone takes to account, apparently. I was steered int Dev without taking my opinion into account. and going into testing after a year would kill my resume - i had planned on changing jobs after 15 more months. So i would be left neither here nor there. Also i had started enjoying what i did for a change.

Hopefully on getting the new job, i wont repeat my old mistakes. Be more politically correct, adi! i tel myself. and yeah i always forget to put my senoir manager in Cc so i guess i am the one to blame if i am considered inexperienced and not fully trained.
One thing i agree on, is that once my shift ended at 9.30 or so, i figeted to go home, as my mum worried. that wasnt exactly seen as cool behavior in a bay where ppl left at 4 in te morning or not at all when work mounted. And usually my conversation with team mates hovered around work. I shant repeat all that, however harmless i may have thought it to my career if my work was right.
i know it sounds like a cancer patient saying he wil quit smoking, if diagnosed and getting right back at it when cured. i can justify and deny, but the truth is only time will tell if i really give it my best shot or no...

A weighty Matter

2008-10-23T01:16:00.001-07:00

You know walking down the road yesterday with my guy, I saw this thin as a stick gal wearing a chocolate brown suit and pumps and her collarbones were sticking out so prominently I couldn’t help but stare… because of her awkward gait thanks to the pumps that were too tall for her comfort and ofcourse the obvious discomfort that showed. Just when I was going to evaluate inwardly and debate with myself the effects of the size 0 fad my guy said “hey! Why you staring at a chick, girl?” before I could deny in a ‘no, I wasn’t’ I flushed as I remembered how obviously I was staring and I flushed crimson.
“I was just seeing how pale and thin she was and obviously being mouse thin doesn’t help even if you dress in couture” I said.
“Its you girls, man. You're the ones who pit against each other and bitch against each other, where the slightest fashion mistake is a crime… and then pretend all this diet business is a guy preference – no way yar”. I was a bit taken aback at this sudden Gyan and said “do you really think I think on those lines? Me, diet or fashion victim?” ofcourse being slightly – I mean ok a lot – on the heavier side, my argument held for the moment. But I kept wondering about the truth is his statement.
Is it really us girls who drive each other over the edge sometimes especially in grooming and beauty? The fact is, how many guys recognize if a girl is dressed according to the latest fab trend, or if her trouser has a thread sticking out. Which guy ever came up and said “oh her copper streaks are SO last season, or… look at her shrug, isn't that hot?” Its only US girls who continuously judge each other, rate each other or cast each other down, simply based on what we wore the other day or the guy slung on our arms was “correct” or no. no I am not against fashion and no I am not against slim women. Just that look where the excesses are getting us. And I agree that yes, there's a pressure to look slim and pretty on the guy front, but the slim means trim in a healthy way – not all bones and no flesh, and pretty means presentable, neat, and smiling (other than what nature endows you with ofcourse) and not fake noses, chins or oodles of make-up. The no of girls heading ‘under the knife’ and those surviving on 1 square meal a day for the oh- so –hot size 0 physique gets me giddy at times. Trust me all you gals out there, guys like a gal who really eats, and not nibbles at salad alone. And yes, if we stop judging today, a lot more wannabe Kareena Kapoors can be averted from going down this lane.
Especially plump people like me who have grown up getting chided about it. I keep telling myself to lose weight, and I am finally doing something about it. But I will be happy if I reach the outer periphery of my ideal height –weight ratio (if at all!). but lesser than that? No way. All we have to do is to remember that the biggest turn on for any guy is to see that the person is truly happy to be herself.

Take care of yourselves,
Adi

what ive been upto... continued

2008-10-17T05:33:00.000-07:00

heyy

just forgot to point out - thats what the sandy theme is for - the beachy new me.

and the old theme proved one point for sure - that there are more takers for black letters in a white background than vice versa.
the old WHITE on BLUE theme had few takers and now i know thats d reason!!!
heheheh... i know - poor one eh?? ;)

until nxt time,
Chill!!

what ive been upto lately

2008-10-17T05:27:00.000-07:00

hello!

i know i know i dissapeared, but guess what - Oct has brought with it certain things that ive never experienced before!

1. i got a raise - a measly one but still!( thats another story, come to it later maybe?)

2. in more than a year i took 10 days off fm office - for pujo (yippee!)

3. I went to Alibaug - nagaon - Revdanda - Kasith in a whim of a few hours!
( i am SO not a spur of the moment person)

4. i got a TAN!!!! ( FYI i havent got one till date and i think i am just close to being deathly pale)

5. I have started excercising - a HUGE first!!

and its only the 17th! gosh... god knows what else this month might bring on :)

Mulshi Trip

2008-10-06T12:35:00.000-07:00

went to Mulshi dam abt 2 hrs fm pune.. and had a blast!!
as they say a pic is worth a thousannd words, so i guess i neednt say more!!
thats d gang - and jus look at the view!!

thats jus a pic - the real experience was - enlightening! i say that because there is so much beauty in locales arnd us yet they go unnoticed...

i never knew such a beautiful locale lay 2 hrs near my place... and i was looking forward to some outdoorsy activity and had planned a holiday abroad sometime this year. no sir, i first plan to see as much as i can in India first, call me whatever!!!!

this is a beautiful waterfall we went to.. n got drenched to the skin!!!well dats a few of d pics i had - will keep posting!!

Whats in MY name?

2008-09-18T04:07:00.000-07:00

“Hi I am Aditi”

“So you’re Aditi too? That makes 3 of you then.”

I remember since I was a kid, hating my name reason being- the sheer abundance of namesakes in my own class wherever I went. My father being in the army, my education spans a no of schools covering quite a big geographical area in India. I think I have changed approximately 11 schools before finally stepping onto college. And everywhere I went the same old story – there was already atleast 1 more Aditi in the class. I almost prayed inwardly every time I entered a new class of another new school ‘God please let there be only 1 Aditi this time, me!’

I remember when I was in the 9th standard there were 2 Aditi’s in the class, and one of them actually shared my birthday even! 
This I got to know in a rather weird incident where I invited some of my class mates home for my birthday, and they chose to go over to her place for a reason – not that I was new, but they thought I must be joking! They must be thinking ‘yeah here she goes again with her jokes – its my birthday too! Ha Ha ’ so much for the funny girl of the class tag.

Anyways point is, I wanted to change my name forever. But family laws wouldn’t allow that. Now you would say – what laws. Then you DEFINETELY do not know the strictly patriarchal structure of a Bengali family. My name was kept by my - since deceased -grand father who used to name all the kids as a symbol of respect from the whole of the family. Once my aunt decided to name her daughter differently as opposed to what my grandfather had suggested and he hadn’t spoken to her for 2 odd years. To add to that were the sneers of the rest of the family. So my father didn’t want any of that right? Hence all my wails and foot stomping were patiently ignored.

Anyways life went on, and slowly my cribs declined before fading from memory altogether. No I wasn’t happy with my name but I had reconciled with it. It was a name on papers, certificates and a name for teachers and strangers to call me by. My parents, cousins my friends, all had a different pet name for me. There was a point when I would get pissed off if any friend of mine decided to call me Aditi.

College over, here I am working for tech mahindra. Once again I had to get used to being called Aditi (surname being always misspelled, complicated and long). There were instances when I didn’t respond immediately to it even!

1 year down came the song “kabhi kabhi Aditi”. If there was a life changing song -that was one for me. I mean how many people have a song to their names? Initially it went unnoticed by me for I was not a big TV/FM buff. Then suddenly it was everywhere! On by bus’ FM, people’s caller tunes, the movie became a hit too! Then slowly it became fun to hear my name… so many times I told my name to someone new and they hummed “kabhi kabhi…” and once when I was sullen due to some odd reason, my closest friend actually sang the whole song to me! And yes- I did smile, laughed actually!

I guess that was when I started saying “hi I am Aditi” and not “call me aadi” thingy. That’s when I realized being an Aditi in this world is not such a bad thing; I started enjoying it to be honest. And ofcourse not having another Aditi to know of till date in this organization also helped! ;)

my special moments @ TechM

2008-09-08T03:56:00.000-07:00

When I really think about it, there is no such 1 enlightening instance that I can safely pin point as THE moment in life at TechM so far. Whoa! Hold your horses before raising your eyebrows. Let me go on to say that there has been not one, but many such incidents that shall remain embedded in my memory for years to come and try as I may I shall never be able to jot down all that or distinguish the ONE moment.

Alright lemme at least give it a try, huh! So, starting at the very beginning, It is thanks to TechM I am living at home. After four years of hostel ( and yeah BAD food, hot rooms, grouchy wardens!) it is a relief to be finally at home with my folks, having a hot meal and someone to look forward to my coming home. Imagine my relief that the company I got selected in during Campus interviews, happened to have allotted me a posting at my own very city! An additional perk in having to work at your home-town is the look on peoples faces when they realize you are a localite. Whenever someone hears I belong to Pune, they go “Awwww!!! How lucky is that?”
And yeah, I chuckle and marvel at the fact. Infact folks, I’M LOVIN IT!!

What is next in my immediate line of thoughts is the pride I have on my ID card. Not only when I am wearing it inside office premises, but outside work hours too. Imagine my glee when a family member/Friend goes plain green at the privileges I get because of my beloved red ID. Wherever you go you are bound to walk into an outlet where THERE! You flash your ID and get a truck load of goodies and discounts! Face it, all the hangouts you can possibly go to, or the shopping hubs, all give out special treatments to Techmighties. Be it Pizza hut, Chinese Room or even WonderFunkey.. ok I admit I went in there too with my lil cousins and family. Its not about the Discount, that we can get at off seasons and at festivals. Its about the Special treatment. I intend to wrap up every moment of it.

However now that I think about it, the most worthwhile thing I have gathered in my tenure at TechM are the numerous fun-filled and enjoyable moments spent in the company of friends both during my ITP training and later, while into my project. Memories to cherish a lifetime, and friendships that go beyond being colleagues, much deeper than that- that can you get through the worst that life can get to.
My first day at TechM at Sharada, and I was late! I can never forget that moment, as I was a full 2 hrs late, thanks to some miscommunication. Not going into details, I felt like I was the laughing stock, and yet, a guy sitting next to me said “ Hi Chotu! U really know how to grab peoples attention don’t you?” I immediately eased off, and laughed. That was my first friend at Office. Karan. Along with him was a shy guy who barely spoke and shook hands with me- Prashant. Once Induction was over at four or so, All three of us went up to the library to get our books and met a gal on the way who seemed to be lost on the way to the library. At first sight she seemed sweet, scared on her first day at office. Basically, just what I felt like. That was Amrita.
That was how I met the three guys I was destined to spend all my time with. We four started sitting together for classes, eating together, studying and yeah, worrying together. And as they say, rest is history

My whole ITP batch was the naughtiest you will ever come across. Naughty, not notorious mind you. Yet we had people with full scores in all the papers. Our behavioral Trainer lovingly called us “Masti Ki Paathshala”. I have had few of the most fun times in this batch.. Rock on NCS26!!!!!!

But tough as ITP is, I had my lows too. That’s when the companionship culminated Friendship.
Honestly speaking, initially I was drawn and reserved from the three of them to an extent, reason being, I was so enjoying my life at home after so long. I came a few minutes before classes were to begin, and left precisely when my exercises for the day ended. I rarely socialized with my fellow ITPians beyond training hours, so huge was my rush to go home. Also I guess I was missing my friends at college who I shared my 4 yrs with at the hostel.
But during the PLSQL module I fell sick for a couple of days, even though I attended class I fell behind on the practice sessions. I remember shy Prashant and ever encouraging Amrita tryin to cheer me up, trying to bring me up to date with the rest of the class, and of course Karan, ready worth his ever witty comments that had you in splits! I remember their smile when I cleared with more than an average score. I never realized when I stopped feeling lonely without my college friends. I never realized when we became from acquaintances to friends to good ones, and it only went uphill from there. We never went out unless all four were there, and in a crowded room our eyes would search each other till the quartet was completed. It was like finding missing jigsaw pieces.

Now that I look back, I realize “Those were the worst of times, yet those were the best of times”.
That bunch of carefree people have been absorbed into the various projects and well into their business’ pertaining to the various walks of life. That’s life right? And life took a turn even with the four of us - Karan took up a more lucrative offer at Bangalore, Prashant had to leave the company as he couldn’t clear his re-test. So to say, the quartet was broken.
Luckily Amrita and I stayed together in our Project. However, she is getting transferred soon to another location. Initially I was taken aback, I don’t know what I would do without her!
But I still know, we are going to be close. Karan is still in touch and Prashant, Amrita and I get together on a regular basis.
Somehow I think it was this experience that prepared me for the realities of life. Today I feel I am prepared for whatever comes my way, and look forward to each experience in a hopefull manner, not in a funereal outlook. And this time, I will accept it as a part of life, and not lose heart like I did when I left college.

This is one important lesson I have learnt at TechM , that’s to take life as it comes in your stride. These are but few of the times that made me laugh, cry, happy or gloomy. As I move on in life, I shall acquire newer experiences and friends along the way. But one thing is for sure -
A trip down the memory lane, whenever I reminisce upon my times as a fresh engineer newly employed at TechM will surely get me nostalgic..

Delirium

2008-03-28T07:08:00.000-07:00

“ out there in the big wide world”

This phrase sounded so childish to me as a preteen. When I heard my folks say u don’t know what the world out there does to you, I thought I was old enough to face the world.
I was bold, I had nothing to lose.
I know you have heard this before. Yet here I am, disillusioned. I wish I had understood what I had then to lose. The innocence, that’s what.

Look I am not going to go into lengthy write-ups about how everything is messy. No that’s not what I am here for. This is I guess an attempt to reach out to other souls out there. As it happens if it turns out to be a feeble one, god knows I may not even blog again. Yes you got it right, I am a first time blogger.

No it isn’t that I had something against it. I even disagree with people who say it’s a lonely people paradise. In case u hadn’t heard, yes that’s how some people think.
Its just that till now I never had the courage to put in record what I felt. I was scared of letting everyone know. Or maybe, I just didn’t want to own up to certain things I felt.
But now I dare to. Maybe not all out courage but still I am venturing into this yet unchartered territory.

Its just that I long to end this delirium. I feel in a constant state of daze. To quote a cliché-“its like lifes passing you by”. Lolz.Yes it is. There are times when I cant tell what day it is. Even though I know I know the latest development in the tech world. Hah! Tell me, is this the pure motive of my existence, to just be? and be turned into some sorta human automated thingie..
Well I am not some bent on destruction forever depressed chick or something, in case u thought that. Nope. But yeah I jus had to blog to let it all out.i feel better for havin done that,yeah maybe I will be doin this as often as I can. Who knows, maybe I’ll even start putting up more optimistic posts.. hah! wishful thinkin? Only time will tell.
Don ask me when . Im in a delirium remember?